Resilience- part 2

Last week I talked about resilience on more than one level…resilience to admit you are at rock bottom (to yourself!!!), resilience to make a decision that effects people close to you and knowing it will hurt them, resilience to follow through the decision, and resilience to work on how, why and the after life of a relationship break up.

Before I made the leg-numbing decision to leave, I talked to my Sister who (in a Big Sister, just sort yourself out pesky little Sister, way) with a shoulder shrug gave the straight talk of “you either accept this is him or you leave!”…harsh but it is true though, isn’t it…could I accept I would be making every decision, every crisis management and what I expected to be gorgeous, precious, quality family time, on my own?!? I asked my Mum her thoughts, she sensibly advised that I stay until the kids are older…now my Mum is a beautiful, strong, sweet lady who is there for you, BUT that one sentence set off bus sized red for danger alarm bells.

My Mum and Dad had a “normal” marriage, we were from a working class, close knit family until my Dad was caught seeking needs elsewhere. Our dream like family unit turned into a destructive, depressing failure for 4 or 5 years into mine and my Sister’s delicate teen years. We have never forgotten the sadness of those years, watching our parents become shells of themselves, not knowing what to do, stay together for the kids – for me, that is a big, fat NO! I am not saying it isn’t right for everyone but from my personal experience, the resentment that was already drowning me, imagining waiting another 10 years, I dread to think the environment my kids would have been brought up in, I was not prepared to have my kids endure an unhappy upbringing, an old pattern nightmare that we had experienced.

To follow through with the decision of ending my marriage I knew there would be emotional and practical consequences, particularly financial that scared the crap out of me, it still does at times, but I am surviving, as are my kids, and very well compared to others in less fortunate cultures and countries.

Following the demise of my marriage, the man I spent 10 years of my life with, seemed a stranger, as I detached myself from that connection (for self preservation).

I turned the connection with the father of my children into a necessary acquaintance, two people working separately (and thankfully amicably) to provide the best care we were/are able to for our equally adored Sons. The amicable bit has not always been easy as I will, no doubt, touch on in a later blurb…

I have worked for many years on trying to rationalise my leaving and what went wrong. I used to believe it was all his doing and I could not let go of the resentment still (it did not go away immediately as I imagined it would).

I now know, after a lot of soul searching (there are those podcasts and books again!) we were absolutely both responsible for the breakdown, not just him because of his shortcomings, not just me because of my expectations and values…it was because we could not align, we did not get each other and we had no idea how to communicate any of the steps we desperately tried before the end (even marriage counselling couldn’t fix us!).

I am to this day very grateful that my kids have two parents that have put their kids wellbeing first. It has not been easy, as I say, but we are doing it! Our eldest Son has just turned 18, our job has been successful so far, we raised a bloody adult, yippee! My ex-hubby and I even text (that’s our favourite communication method ha ha) and agreed to have a family meal in a posh restaurant with our parents, sisters and nieces…the first time we were all together since before the marriage ended 14 years ago…and it was actually very cool! Especially so for our Sons.

So all is not lost, as always, it’s how you navigate these tough life experiences. Acceptance is the first hurdle, then life can flower again once you have the resilience. You are absolutely not alone!