Author: LadyJay

Loss

What is this feeling of loss when someone leaves this life?

We know, as grown-ups, that death is inevitable, but it still surprises us when it does happen. Loss can spring itself upon us without warning, or we may have to bear witness to a long condition from which we can do nothing but comfort our loved one in their demise.

What can be even more surprising are the emotions we experience when we are aware loss of a loved one is imminent and the emotions when they leave us.

Loss may make us feel like our heart has literally broken in two, or that a limb is missing, or that we are left with a gaping, deep, black hole that we never imagined would disrupt our life.

And how personal is grief? In my experience, how grief grips us depends on differing circumstances.

Grief may cause shock, trauma, denial, anger…an array of intense emotions.

As a teenager, upon being told that his Dad had lost his battle with cancer, my cousin had the most unusual reaction in that he laughed…his brain took the shock as a joke, the reality of his Father dying must have seemed so completely ridiculous that he did not take the news as truth.

Loss might create a feeling of numbness, causing us to feel nothing when we know that we should feel something, which may lead to confusion, guilt or fear that we may not be responding to loss in the “normal” way.

About 20 years ago, the best friend of my then husband suddenly died in a road traffic accident. When the news reached us, I did what felt natural and approached my husband to embrace him for comfort. His response was to hold his arms out in front of him to prevent the embrace and told me that he was “alright”.

In contrast, grief can also bring some life-affirming realisations and gifts on another level that we can only receive upon the death of a loved one, and those gifts can last our lifetime.

Relief

If we have watched a loved one become unwell, eventually we realise we may need to prepare to say goodbye. We might feel the unknown almost unbearable. Is there a chance they may get better and make a revival? Limbo can be tough, painful even, and time may seem to encompass us in a dimension bubble outside of normal life. Everyone and everything else in this life continues around us whilst we must accept patience by watching and waiting on our loved one.

We have no control over time or how the end presents itself. Does our loved one, or their soul, have the knowledge or control?

When the waiting is over, there may be a mighty sense of relief, relief that our loved one is not suffering. Relief that we are no longer in that heart-aching limbo. Though this relief may come and go, as will the grief, inevitably oscillating in the months and years to come.

I feel that relief is self-preservation when we face loss; we need the positive emotions to balance the dark intensity of the reality that our loved one will not open their eyes again and talk or hold us. We need the relief to experience some light in the blackness.

Comfort

There is no control when death has decided to choose a new angel. If we have time to comfort our loved one towards their final days, then I feel this is a true blessing for them and us.

Comfort is needed for those around us too, which we can give to each other without condition or terms, as the normalities and usual conflicts in life no longer have meaning (even if it is only lasting within the limbo bubble).

What if we are comforting everyone else, who comforts us? We all need kind support and someone to say that they understand, it WILL be ok, there is peace, there will be healing. If we feel alone in loss and grief, then that is the time to look inwards to ourselves. There are no rules to state that we aren’t able to be kind to ourselves. We could use warm, comforting words, even wrap our arms around ourselves with gentle awareness and patience. It really is possible to be a friend to ourselves.

We may even find comfort from beyond this time/world/place in which we remain, after our loved ones pass/pass over…whatever we believe in. Some people find comfort from knowing their family and friends who are no longer living, maybe even ancestors, will be holding our hand. We may be guided and supported from another place that we know nothing of yet…exciting! We might wonder if those involuntary thoughts that sometimes bring us courage or knowledge are being gifted to us by a generous soul from another realm. There are so many beliefs, opinions or expectations which will remain a mystery until our time comes.

Support

Followingloss, we have another stage of unpreparedness in dealing with acceptance. It can be overwhelming to face these acceptances. How do we accept that we will never see, hear, talk, touch our loved one ever again?…well, not in this life as we know it anyway…

How do we accept possible resentment that someone has left us…left us with coping without them…left us with all the practical jobs…the finances…the anniversaries…the explanations to those who ask where are they…and how do we accept being alone in the emotional turmoil?

We are left having to support ourselves as well as those around us, this is especially difficult if one has children or someone to look after.

We may be the one who is supporting the directly grieved, who are lost in their sadness and despair. We are the one to offer a hand, shoulder, ear, food, and our love. Though who is supporting us in this hierarchy of grief? We too are affected and deeply sorry for them and for ourselves.

We can journal or blog to put thoughts and emotions in perspective or to just free ourselves from our own minds. We can join social media support groups and meet others in similar circumstances. We can reach out to family who may not be directly affected and friends for strength in support. Being a single parent I sometimes just want someone to listen…no need to find a solution or try to say the right thing, just listen. Or there are some incredible bereavement support groups and organisations that will welcome anyone needing assistance and solace. We should really explore these wonderful offerings, nothing to lose, lots to gain in healing.

These delicate initial stages of grief are usually, and thankfully, short-lived for most of us.

After time, the turmoil and sadness become less dominant…it may feel less scary. It continues to lessen over weeks, months, sometimes years. We may start to allow memories of our loved one to enter our forethought. We may even smile when we hear a song our loved one favoured, remember them dancing…even if it was embarrassing at the time…especially if it was embarrassing at the time. We may begin to wear their favourite colour to remind us that they can still walk alongside us. We may eat their favourite meal with a smile and drink their favourite drink with a “cheers,” to them! Eventually, we may laugh again at the pictures and photos as these can never be replaced.

These are the gifts our loss delivers, we truly immerse ourselves in the things our loved one loved…did we do that when they were alive? Maybe…maybe not!

These are the things that will bring comfort and support for all the time that we have to carry on enjoying this life in their honour.

In December, we lost my incredible 21-year-old niece…Lia will be remembered in a later post dedicated especially to her…then in April, my sons lost their grandfather who they adored…the man known as Dai or John or Father Jones to my generation, the man who once was my father-in-law and remained much loved. I have lost what feels like too many loved ones over what feels like a short life, including my own father…their passing gifts are our memories, beautiful and cherished.

I hope anyone relating to this can find comfort and support in knowing that we are not alone!