Lady Jay

Tag: having a natter

  • Forgiveness for life and for living.

    This weekend I promised myself quality time for mindfulness after a couple of difficult past, painful and sad memories came up out of nowhere (or so it seemed…).

    I like to, and have learned to, listen to spontaneous flashes of past events as I believe they, at times, are knocking on my memory door to remind me that I have unfinished work to do. This type of mindfulness work has interested me in the past few years. I used to think if I faced a bad event with awareness and acknowledgement, then meditated on it a bit, then it would magically disappear. Poof!!!

    Letting go

    No poof!!! I could not understand why event memories continued to haunt me later. I have been told by many well-meaning people that I just need to “let go”. Yep, thanks so much…tell me something I didn’t know, the bloody irony! Ok…so I would face it, meditate and imagine letting “it” go, but it would not leave me alone.

    I now realise, like most teachings in life, letting go takes a lot of practice for someone like me. Heart on my heavy, long sleeve! I used to be someone who believed what people said may be the truth, every insult or compliment was how everyone saw me, every opinion should be heard, every suggestion should be explored. It wasn’t as black and white as this picture paints, as I could also be stubborn, open-minded and fearlessly (still am) independent in other circumstances.

    I am fortunate to have dived deeply into and crawled crumbling out of a few hard lessons. Every single lesson has shown me my mirror, time and time again, until I finally got it…I couldn’t just simply let go, I couldn’t learn to let go until I worked like an 18th-century washerwoman, until I learned how…

    Back to now, and the recent painful memories…knowing I had some time completely to myself, I thought I would absorb myself into mindfulness trickery to find out what it is I need to know here…ah! yep, got it…I need to let it go, of course…it’s like washing the dishes, you think you’ve covered all the cutlery, then that last damn spoon is hiding under the bubbles…ooh, hang on then there’s another spoon, cheeky ass spoons! More cleaning up!

    Practice

    What mindfulness trickery should I indulge in, I thought as my working week was coming to an end?

    I don’t think it is any coincidence that as I lift my headphones to my ears on the evening bus from work to home, searching for my next listening treat, that I notice a podcast “short” with Gabor Mate and Mel Robbins…in which Gabor asks Mel about a traumatic memory. Mel had told no one of her experience and kept it to herself, feeling alone and frightened. Gabor asks Mel if that happened to one of your children, how would you explain it…Gabor continued to probe and gave Mel the suggestion that the trauma itself was not just the painful memory, it was the fact she felt that she could not go to her own mother and tell her. It was clearly an emotional revelation, and a very powerful one to her and to me! This resonated with my recent memory.

    Being a parent, you just want to protect your kids, but you also want to think they could come to you with any problem. Having also been a keeper of secrets (quite different to Mel’s trauma), I did not trust that I could go to my parents in the past, so I can empathise with that feeling very well. It taught me to be independent and to take time to trust anyone, if at all, not always healthy.

    I have learnt from my parents and myself to encourage my sons to come to me or their dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend…anyone. As carrying that burden, pain and aloneness just gets in the way of total freedom to let go and get on with life despite the dark demons.

    So, this short online chat by two wonderfully intelligent and open podcasters paved the way to tuning into my haunting memories and practising letting go by the one thing that will make sure you win the war…Forgiveness.

    Forgiveness

    With an unusually hot and sunny summer here in the UK recently and, apart from the dog daughter, I chose to set down my picnic blanket on the cottage lawn – well-dried mud and straw as it has become, as nothing is growing due to our fourth heat wave…I am not complaining as I love the sun and it is the weekend – I sit in the warmth of the summer gorgeousness and meditate. I face the haunting through my meditation, I turn my deep hurt, shame, guilt into compassion for the parties involved, leaving them with a warm hug and them smiling in my mind, off on a cloud to memory heaven.

    The faces I see in my meditation are from the past, the feelings are from the past, the pain stays present until I work on it in this intimately personal way that suits me. After years of confusion and hours of hard emotional work, I can now do this letting go thing…it’s life-changing.

    Next

    My next tender treat of mindfulness was a yoga session by a completely beautiful and incredible online teacher from Texas, Adriene. The comfort yoga session I had spotted online earlier in the week seemed to frustratingly disappear…then by chance a video called “Forgiveness” dared me to press play.

    I feel this is also no coincidence, love that we are shown things we need to see…sometimes we really have to look with eyes and heart wide open and dive in.

    I immersed myself into the yoga, knowing immediately that this was exactly what I needed…feelings of past pain popped on the familiar cloud, showing whoever I needed to forgive with absolute love in my heart and security…trust…love…a higher support.

    I “awoke” from the yoga session (thankfully in an empty home, minus daughter dog who, at 12 years old, was fast asleep as usual). I then sensed I was sobbing. Tears down my unapologetic, contorted face from the release and a beautiful lightness that I have never ever experienced…through the tears came smiles, and the feeling that a lot of years’ worth of pain, guilt, mistrust, and confusion were being finally let go of.

    Now

    Is it the time of life that in your 50s or life experiences that finally you see past difficulties with a completely different perspective and a newfound freedom of emotion?

    These days I have more confidence to say if I don’t agree with someone, I now realise that there is ALWAYS CHOICE, I try to look at someone with compassion even when what they say or do hurts me. Now it is possible to recognise that sometimes the issue is not mine, it is theirs.

    Bye bye cloud people 🩵

    Letting go is not a one-off gift, it is a perpetual present (see what I did there!). Keep practising and know you are not alone.

  • Recycling household waste

    Are there things you try to practice daily to live a more sustainable lifestyle?

    …is the most simple practice I’ve adopted on a daily basis to live a more sustainable life…it’s just part of the clean up process at home now …

    …and I’m planning to buy a super 3 bin unit for my kitchen to keep the ever growing plastics and cardboard pile up under control, which I find very exciting and extremely middle aged 🤣

    I’ve also just sold my sweet little eco car as it has cost me a lot of money in repairs recently (more than it’s worth) …

    My commute to work should be 20 minutes but can take 40 to 60 minutes thanks to the amount of traffic and road works.,,which makes me stressed…

    so I am now taking the bus and at this very moment am responding to this daily prompt from said bus on my way to work, no driving stress, no time stress, no parking stress…and reducing my footprint …able to communicate in a relaxed way with you lovely lot 💝

    Bye bye Tommy car 🚗

    Have a fabulous Friday 🌞🚌

  • Malt loaf…

    Which food, when you eat it, instantly transports you to childhood?

    …reminds me of my childhood as soon as I smell and taste it…Sunday’s growing up in the UK across the 70/80’s were based around food (and the pub, for my Dad)…we started with English breakfast (bacon, eggs, tomatoes, fried toast …how have I survived to now 😅)….then a traditional Sunday roast at lunchtime, when my Sister and I would argue over who gets the remaining chicken leg, she is now vegetarian so no longer an issue…nom nom, still love a Sunday roast!…then we would finish early evening with what could be classed as a high tea (but not that posh)…left over meat used in little triangle sandwiches, Jamaican ginger cake (yesss 💝) and malt loaf covered in rich butter all presented on a stand by my Nan (Grandmother) …arh childhood Sundays were glorious as far as food was concerned 🥓🍳🍗🥔🥦🍰

  • Exams were not the boss of me

    Describe something you learned in high school.

    …I learned in high school that I am a terrible exam taker, I felt un confident, unmotivated and nonchalant…and today, as a parent of late teenagers, my respect for the education system in the UK has not improved.

    I think some teachers are incredible and deserve much more recognition than they get but the system is outdated in my opinion…too much pressure and stress is felt by some students (and teachers).

    Should an entire childhood of learning be concluded by 1-2 hour exams?

    Should exams define how “good” or “bad” someone’s learning skills are?

    Does exam methodology fit every student? Not for me!

    There needs to be a change to celebrate what students really know, not just retain information, what is really important to take into adult life or a chosen specialism…

    Ooh I gave much more opinion in that answer than expected…thank you for reading if you got this far ☺️

    Tulips (not poppy’s thanks Mike!) don’t take exams but seem to know exactly what they’re doing…look to the sun!

  • Perspective – part 2

    Waiting for Running Boy to appear

    It was into adulthood that, by sharing thoughts & feelings through my personal lens, I became aware just how very different people’s perspective could be whilst observing the same subject.

    Our perspective can have a completely contrasting picture of each other, on home, on love, on work, on every aspect of life. I find it fascinating how far away our perception of the world can be from each other, apart from upbringing and cultural influences, our differing perspectives is one of those delightful traits that makes us unique.

    Sensitivity

    Upon sharing our perspective of a subject we are, in fact, simply sharing our opinion I guess, our opinion of something from our view point.

    Whilst growing up I used to keep my opinions to myself through lack of confidence and an assumption that I may be told I was either stupid or too sensitive. There were times I felt my sensitivity was a weakness or sad, people seemed to either laugh at me or feel sorry for me. I thought that no one else thought in the same way as me, another assumption that my feelings were wrong or odd. I felt ashamed of my sensitivity.

    If only I had realised that comments made about my sensitivity were simply someone else’s opinion from their perspective. If only I knew that this opinion was their thing, not mine. If only I understood then that people were not necessarily voicing their opinion from their perspective to make me feel bad. It was simply words.

    Challenge

    In my teens I began speaking up when the urge took me, I started to challenge certain opinions. On occasion, I gained courage, sharing my own perspective of the world. I was still quiet and lacked self confidence when speaking up in front of people, however, watch out world if someone said something I didn’t like.

    If a conversation came about and I didn’t agree with someone’s perspective, almost out of nowhere, powerful fire would ignite in me and I would present this strong, passionate lioness version of myself (still can!). There was no self-righteous consideration, it was a natural and involuntary reaction.

    I could not (and still do not) understand how people could be so judgemental over how someone looked or how they chose to live. People have suggested I am being virtuous but it is actually just a natural trigger that I cannot help and have to challenge. My niece is the same, she is quiet though has no inhibitions in questioning anyone who makes a judgement on someone. Maybe it’s a teen thing, laying down our personality foundation.

    The challenger version of me seemed to shock people (still does!). Instead of people celebrating my stoic individualism, it was sometimes met with comments like “calm down” and “don’t be so sensitive”. Maybe it was because I was usually quiet, rarely forced my opinion. Maybe it was my delivery, all those teen hormones can certainly induce passion. Whatever the case, perplexed reactions to the lioness did not prevent me continuing to challenge. What I perceived as wrong was not what the person I challenged felt was wrong. See, it’s all opinion!

    Running boy

    This is a classic example of perspective, I wonder what you would conclude from this story? Whilst out walking my dog one day, at the back grounds of the Abbey in the town in which I live, a swift figure caught my eye. A tall, slim, young lad was running towards the town as if he was late for a very important date, just like the rabbit in Alice In Wonderland. He wore a rain jacket and his hood was up, even though it was not raining. Tufts of brown hair curled around the hood from the momentum of his fast pace. He then stopped running, looked around him, before taking up a normal walking motion. About 15 steps on he broke into his speedy run again. Then after about half a minute, he stopped and walked. This run/walk repeated at the hill from which he appeared all the way to the High Street.

    You may not think this is unusual, neither did I, though it really does catch your attention when someone is running, very fast, in normal clothes (normal, except for the hood-up whatever the weather), he is not jogging.. Is he just hurrying to get somewhere, like the rabbit?

    Now, I have seen this lad on several occasions doing exactly the same run/walk/repeat, with almost perfectly timed intervals.

    My conclusion is that this is just how the young guy travels, it is brilliant to watch!

    I have even found myself muttering to my dog “ooh there goes Running Boy” as the blur of a figure passes the trees beyond and fleetingly I glimpse the distinctive hood-up, that reduces to a sudden walk of determination.

    Some may think this is odd behaviour but from my perspective, Running Boy has such a sense of freedom that I enjoy seeing on my dog walks. We have our “norms”, we either walk (or wheelchair) to get where you need to, or run/jog for health reasons. Running Boy seems to be in his own wonderful world of run/walk/repeat without the stereotypical requirements of reasoning, he just does his thing!

    Acceptance

    When I look back at the years of feeling “too sensitive ”, I have changed my perspective of how I am perceived by others. Truth is, who gives a crap…we are all wrapped up in our own little worlds to overthink people’s standard personality traits.

    I am still sensitive, I cry at poignant Christmas adverts, long lost families, or Insta videos of dinky ponies visiting sick, elderly people for therapy (if you see that, I dare you not to sob happy tears! Beautiful!). I am really accepting of my empathetic ways, and realise that people don’t always see it as a weakness, they may get some security talking to someone who shows they care, which I hope I do.

    This learned perspective has taught me to encourage my now teenage boys to never be afraid to have their opinion and try to always speak their truth, no matter what others may say.

    I no longer feel ashamed of my sensitivity and hope my perspective lens keeps widening and changing as this life of learning twists and turns.

    Has your perspective on other people changed recently? Are you aware of how you are perceived or how you perceive others for the better? Complex creatures aren’t we!

  • Perspective – part 1

    Understanding

    I am not sure if my understanding of perspective has changed with experience and age or because of the work I have put in trying to figure out myself, relationships and this life, probably a bit of both.

    Some of us may be so caught up in our own minds that we assume other people share our perspective and, therefore, should absolutely understand our way of thinking. I now realise this is so far from reality in my experience, particularly in relationships.

    Blankers

    I see the same person at the bus stop every Wednesday morning though have never spoken with them…odd that isn’t it?! Well it may be to some of us.

    In fact, I have worked in the same office for three years almost and I pass people who I see every week and yet whom have never spoken to me. I have passed familiar faces working for the same business week in week out, offering an upbeat “hello” or “good morning” to receive nothing back. I have heard other colleagues say they have had the same experience and relay the encounter with frustration or disgust, vowing to not speak to the offender again or not help them if they ask for support.

    I used to feel the same angst in a lot of situations, not just blankers (that’s not Cockney Rhyming Slang by the way…I refer to people who choose to blank one in the above scenario).

    I used to take so much people said, or didn’t say, to me very personally and felt hurt by other peoples actions, still do sometimes, until I digest things. Depending on my mood, morale, and esteem on the day, it can sometimes take a lot for me to muster up the confidence to speak to “strangers” – we are mere humans after all, all these feelings can feel overwhelming!

    Twist

    Change in perspective: what if the blanker has had awful news recently, or is having a difficult time at home, is painfully shy or autistic, what if your face reminds them of a bully they still have nightmares over, or maybe they just cannot be bothered! Their perspective may be seen through a much more complex lens, the energy may not be enough to reply to an unknown person’s offer of “hello”.

    From our perspective the rude-ass behaviour may be offensive and we may take it personally, we may write that person off, we judge that person.

    If we knew that person had an underlying issue (and does not share our perspective that it is a good morning to say Hello!), would we be more understanding or less judgemental?

    Expectations

    In what rule book does it say that because we spoke to someone and they did not respond then that is a wrong? This is our expectation, not the blankers.

    I feel this can be true for a lot of perspectives in life. Perspectives we may have adopted from who and how we were brought up, or the culture of the country in which we live.

    Maybe if we asked a person why they said (or didn’t say!) or did something in a certain way/ tone/attitude we might understand their perspective.

    I have learnt to challenge in a real, gentle way (which is my natural tone) so I can widen the lens and peer through someone else’s telescope from which I am much less offended, more free from the dust and absolutely more resilient in life – joy!

    Looking through the lens

  • Blogging – a newbie

    iPad self portrait

    I am completely new to blogging and, whatever the outcome, no matter the number of readers I reach, I have decided to commit to “dropping” (that’s my Sons language…attempting to reach all gens!) a blog every week for the next year.

    Have to say I am really enjoying this new hobby! Not being the biggest fan of some social media, this platform is refreshing my attitude to it. Not only is it full of lovely creative content, I am aware of the warm, wonderful connections that can be made. I have been fortunate enough to already make a couple of fantastic connections and look very much forward to their blogs, very grateful!

    I have recently read the book by Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic, which I tried to read a year ago and turns out I wasn’t ready for it so I picked it up again and LOVED it! Elizabeth pleads the creative reader to stop doubting and just put your work out there…so I’m taking her advice…whatever my work is, I hope it can resonate…let’s see!

    I am sure many of you have been blogging for a long time, I ask that anyone reading my blogs excuse any unintended faux pas! I have lots to learn and am eager to do so.

    I have a string of subjects lined up in my humble mind that I am excited to share with you, dear readers, some of which will have been written on many times. I do hope I can provide authentic, personal experiences and perspectives from an alternative angle, perhaps.

    I am an open person and have a natural attitude of curiosity and honesty. My real wish is to talk about experiences and challenges that may bring readers a sense of normality and maybe even comfort that they are not alone, with a sprinkle of humour. I am also here to learn, like a wide eyed, toddler ready to climb the most steep of bookcases with fearless recklessness! On the other hand, if you find you can relate or receive any positive reassurance that may touch you, please do say hello along the way!

    How long have you been blogging? Would love to hear from you!

  • Resilience-part 3

    I believe, like many elements of life, resilience is relative to you (to one), it is very personal. I do not expect you, dear reader, to compare my experiences and definition of resilience with your own. We each experience a lot in life, we will not always endure other peoples challenges…I can only speak from my heart (not anyone else’s).

    What does resilience mean to me?

    When I was a child experiencing a broken home, I abruptly realised that the family I had once assumed was one, indestructible entity was actually made up of separate individuals who could, inevitably, continue life apart. As a very young teenager I made a pact with myself that the one person I could unmistakably rely upon was myself. This felt rather painful at the time, but now I feel no sadness from that revelation, I feel so fortunate to have been taught the lesson.

    Later, when I became a single parent my friends would describe me as brave and strong…I felt neither of these words, I felt only desperation! To be free from the sadness and resentment, I had the realisation that, again, the family entity I craved to recreate (the one I had as a young child) had not worked…it was distant, disjointed and desperately lonely. Though the teen memory of “going it alone” had actually given me the courage to just know it would be ok, I would be ok and so would my Sons…and their Dad – and, guess what, we are all ok!

    As a single parent who struggles with the overwhelm of every aspect this path brings, emotional, practical, financial, it can feel scary…but it is only a perception! I have been parenting solo for 14 years, I am rather proud that I have managed to feed and water two handsome humans that now stand way above me…no one has spontaneously combusted because I had to work and dinner wasn’t presented neatly on time as a three course, homemade, master chef extravaganza! I rarely enjoy extra pennies after my wage comes in, but I have never missed a rent payment, utility bill or had my Sons go without decent food. That’s achievement!

    Christmas, birthdays and holidays are budgeted…we still enjoy a 3 night glamping experience for my youngest Son’s summer birthday…we sit around a fire pit under the stars, toasting marshmallows and I enjoy the local wine (our glamping site is also a vineyard – heaven!) and the dog can come too! Amazing but I have made it work! There are always those unexpected cheeky devils of extra bills that come out of nowhere and usually loads all at once, how lucky am I to have the credit…it used to petrify me but now I realise that is just life, my life and we are doing ok!

    I watched a comedian once on TV who, from Africa, now lives in the UK. He humbly and hilariously described how us Brits would complain about how broke we are…with our 64” plasma screens, designer nails and nights out…we live in luxury compared to other corners of our world! It is so true! Our concept of being broke is relative, we are very lucky!

    In the early days I worried to the point of panic when my, now grown up Son, couldn’t sleep from feeling anxious or that I was always saying to my boys, “Mummy doesn’t have time…”. I learned to research a problem, talk to other parents, or create ways to remedy the anxieties and how I could make the time. I stopped the guilt of conflict trying to get EVERYTHING done instead of precious time with the most important humans in my life.

    Age and experience have brought about resilience, as I age I become more comfortable with who I am and that nothing happens by accident. Every decision, every challenge is just learning and creating a stronger, wiser version of myself.

    So, it is only the THOUGHT that life and it’s challenges are scary and sometimes feels impossible. If we can change our perception and remember no-one has spontaneously combusted (well, I do hope not in your case!), there is no real point fretting over the “what ifs”, we are doing life anyway…you have to put the effort in and sometimes you may not get a whole lot in return, materialistically, the intangible returns are usually the best in my opinion. Just when things feel tough, that is the time to face it full on, that is where strength comes from.

    Enjoy the lessons, share the stories, inspire the next generation, teach your resilience! You are never really alone!

  • Love Day…or Lonely Day

    So, it is Valentine’s Day – sending love, of course.
    ….but for some of us this can be a less “loving” day if you have no one to share it with, spoil you or argue with over who bought the best card or where the roses came from (not the fuel station!)…

    This is my very first blog, I am not even sure how this properly looks or even if anyone will read this or if you will find me, I am LadyJay…hope to connect in a simple way about meaningful and simple life stuff…don’t be alone…please say hello!