Lady Jay

Tag: life

  • Forgiveness for life and for living.

    This weekend I promised myself quality time for mindfulness after a couple of difficult past, painful and sad memories came up out of nowhere (or so it seemed…).

    I like to, and have learned to, listen to spontaneous flashes of past events as I believe they, at times, are knocking on my memory door to remind me that I have unfinished work to do. This type of mindfulness work has interested me in the past few years. I used to think if I faced a bad event with awareness and acknowledgement, then meditated on it a bit, then it would magically disappear. Poof!!!

    Letting go

    No poof!!! I could not understand why event memories continued to haunt me later. I have been told by many well-meaning people that I just need to “let go”. Yep, thanks so much…tell me something I didn’t know, the bloody irony! Ok…so I would face it, meditate and imagine letting “it” go, but it would not leave me alone.

    I now realise, like most teachings in life, letting go takes a lot of practice for someone like me. Heart on my heavy, long sleeve! I used to be someone who believed what people said may be the truth, every insult or compliment was how everyone saw me, every opinion should be heard, every suggestion should be explored. It wasn’t as black and white as this picture paints, as I could also be stubborn, open-minded and fearlessly (still am) independent in other circumstances.

    I am fortunate to have dived deeply into and crawled crumbling out of a few hard lessons. Every single lesson has shown me my mirror, time and time again, until I finally got it…I couldn’t just simply let go, I couldn’t learn to let go until I worked like an 18th-century washerwoman, until I learned how…

    Back to now, and the recent painful memories…knowing I had some time completely to myself, I thought I would absorb myself into mindfulness trickery to find out what it is I need to know here…ah! yep, got it…I need to let it go, of course…it’s like washing the dishes, you think you’ve covered all the cutlery, then that last damn spoon is hiding under the bubbles…ooh, hang on then there’s another spoon, cheeky ass spoons! More cleaning up!

    Practice

    What mindfulness trickery should I indulge in, I thought as my working week was coming to an end?

    I don’t think it is any coincidence that as I lift my headphones to my ears on the evening bus from work to home, searching for my next listening treat, that I notice a podcast “short” with Gabor Mate and Mel Robbins…in which Gabor asks Mel about a traumatic memory. Mel had told no one of her experience and kept it to herself, feeling alone and frightened. Gabor asks Mel if that happened to one of your children, how would you explain it…Gabor continued to probe and gave Mel the suggestion that the trauma itself was not just the painful memory, it was the fact she felt that she could not go to her own mother and tell her. It was clearly an emotional revelation, and a very powerful one to her and to me! This resonated with my recent memory.

    Being a parent, you just want to protect your kids, but you also want to think they could come to you with any problem. Having also been a keeper of secrets (quite different to Mel’s trauma), I did not trust that I could go to my parents in the past, so I can empathise with that feeling very well. It taught me to be independent and to take time to trust anyone, if at all, not always healthy.

    I have learnt from my parents and myself to encourage my sons to come to me or their dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend…anyone. As carrying that burden, pain and aloneness just gets in the way of total freedom to let go and get on with life despite the dark demons.

    So, this short online chat by two wonderfully intelligent and open podcasters paved the way to tuning into my haunting memories and practising letting go by the one thing that will make sure you win the war…Forgiveness.

    Forgiveness

    With an unusually hot and sunny summer here in the UK recently and, apart from the dog daughter, I chose to set down my picnic blanket on the cottage lawn – well-dried mud and straw as it has become, as nothing is growing due to our fourth heat wave…I am not complaining as I love the sun and it is the weekend – I sit in the warmth of the summer gorgeousness and meditate. I face the haunting through my meditation, I turn my deep hurt, shame, guilt into compassion for the parties involved, leaving them with a warm hug and them smiling in my mind, off on a cloud to memory heaven.

    The faces I see in my meditation are from the past, the feelings are from the past, the pain stays present until I work on it in this intimately personal way that suits me. After years of confusion and hours of hard emotional work, I can now do this letting go thing…it’s life-changing.

    Next

    My next tender treat of mindfulness was a yoga session by a completely beautiful and incredible online teacher from Texas, Adriene. The comfort yoga session I had spotted online earlier in the week seemed to frustratingly disappear…then by chance a video called “Forgiveness” dared me to press play.

    I feel this is also no coincidence, love that we are shown things we need to see…sometimes we really have to look with eyes and heart wide open and dive in.

    I immersed myself into the yoga, knowing immediately that this was exactly what I needed…feelings of past pain popped on the familiar cloud, showing whoever I needed to forgive with absolute love in my heart and security…trust…love…a higher support.

    I “awoke” from the yoga session (thankfully in an empty home, minus daughter dog who, at 12 years old, was fast asleep as usual). I then sensed I was sobbing. Tears down my unapologetic, contorted face from the release and a beautiful lightness that I have never ever experienced…through the tears came smiles, and the feeling that a lot of years’ worth of pain, guilt, mistrust, and confusion were being finally let go of.

    Now

    Is it the time of life that in your 50s or life experiences that finally you see past difficulties with a completely different perspective and a newfound freedom of emotion?

    These days I have more confidence to say if I don’t agree with someone, I now realise that there is ALWAYS CHOICE, I try to look at someone with compassion even when what they say or do hurts me. Now it is possible to recognise that sometimes the issue is not mine, it is theirs.

    Bye bye cloud people 🩵

    Letting go is not a one-off gift, it is a perpetual present (see what I did there!). Keep practising and know you are not alone.

  • Strategies for health…

    What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?

    …and wellbeing for me changes with my lifestyle, mood and my age.

    Right now at 51, I have just completed something in the UK called Couch to 5k, this is a national and free community app that gets you running (or jogging) from 30 second intervals to 30 minutes straight running over 9 weeks…I’ve really enjoyed it… never thought I’d say that!

    I am also squeezing in a little of my beloved yoga as this settles my mind. I practice mindfulness through meditation, reading and podcasts.

    I eat healthy but I also enjoy treats like cake 🍰 when it’s put in front of me and enjoy scrummy wine 🍷 so it’s all a balance.

    Typing this up may give the perception of a really “on it” person, I simply try to fit in what I can around my beautiful Sons (who are later teens, less dependent), doggy, home keeping and full time work.

    At the end of 2024 I became very lethargic both physically and mentally, my energy for life became worryingly low so I had a word with myself and have stepped up my wellbeing routine to combat feeling sorry for myself 🥰 and it is working 💝

  • Malt loaf…

    Which food, when you eat it, instantly transports you to childhood?

    …reminds me of my childhood as soon as I smell and taste it…Sunday’s growing up in the UK across the 70/80’s were based around food (and the pub, for my Dad)…we started with English breakfast (bacon, eggs, tomatoes, fried toast …how have I survived to now 😅)….then a traditional Sunday roast at lunchtime, when my Sister and I would argue over who gets the remaining chicken leg, she is now vegetarian so no longer an issue…nom nom, still love a Sunday roast!…then we would finish early evening with what could be classed as a high tea (but not that posh)…left over meat used in little triangle sandwiches, Jamaican ginger cake (yesss 💝) and malt loaf covered in rich butter all presented on a stand by my Nan (Grandmother) …arh childhood Sundays were glorious as far as food was concerned 🥓🍳🍗🥔🥦🍰

  • I am passionate about …

    What are you passionate about?

    …quite a few things…

    Right now in my life I am passionate about learning, learning about relationships, people, wellbeing, creating…I seem to have come out of a few years of frustration with relationships only to realise it’s me who needs to change my mindset and figure out who and what I put my precious energy into…this has lead me to want to learn about my behaviour and others, both in a romantic sense and with my family and my friends…it’s very cool! 👌🏼

    Lunchtime walks settling my mind & creating ideas

  • Self awareness

    What are the most important things needed to live a good life?

    …self awareness and self love…we are in charge of making our life good…we have the choice…we alone should have the ability…anything or anyone else that graces our good life is a wonderful added bonus 🫶

    Life is always good for Holly

  • Peach – The Story of An Incredible Teacher

    Birthday celebration day for Peach

    A Teacher was Born

    Being a couple of weeks over due and realising Peach had gone quiet in her tummy, my sister and her husband took a trip to the hospital. Following some lengthy monitoring, the clinicians eventually prepared for a caesarean.

    As we waited in the family room, Mum and I could not ignore the controlled, yet alarming, words from down the corridor “crash, crash, crash”. Mum responded with panic in her voice with the assumption that must be my sister. Although I tried to reassure her by advising that we should not jump to conclusions…then a flash of beautiful, thick, black hair was just about visible in a small incubator, home to many wires, which whizzed silently past the family waiting room door. I knew that was my niece, the hair was unmistakable!

    …and so Peach was born on this day in 2003…

    As the evening drew closer we were given snippets of information such as no news yet, we must be patient…and Mummy is doing well…then a smiling nurse who could not somehow fool me with her over encouragement to go see Peach, go see her now! We were then provided with, what is now a very familiar, “brace for impact” moment…Peach was not breathing when she was born, Peach may have just 12 hours to live.

    Seeing my very perfect, black haired, purse lipped niece for the first time was a vision that the life expectancy warning ironically made more special than if I was going to see her 1,000,000 times in my lifetime…this moment was not to be taken for granted…Peach made sure I would not take her presence for granted, she was already teaching me gratitude and being in the now.

    When I saw my sister in another room, of course, she was unable to walk and get to her newborn baby. As well as being high on medication, she seemed elated and relieved baby Peach was here…had she been told the same news as my Mum and I?…did she know the story yet?…did she understand this life could be cut short in a matter of hours? No, not until later…then her world fell from under her with enormous impact and this was just the beginning!

    Peach and my sister were taken to a special baby unit miles from home. Peach survived the next 12 hours and we joined the rollercoaster of highs and lows as the days went on. My Mum and I would visit most days in the first week and pain I observed on my sisters entirety seemed cruel, why would “anyone” do this to her?!

    We didn’t know much apart from Peach was fighting. We would visit the special baby unit and I was fortunate to meet tiny, premature babies that looked unreal with their fingers and toes almost transparent looking, as well as the angelic and courageous nurses that kept all the little souls alive . The nurses continued to gently guide and advise parents and family on how to insert your hands into the incubator, using the gloves so that you could change and feed the babies without harming them.

    Peach continued to breath and fight. On the third week we were advised Peach could have brain damage and a scan would confirm this…which it inevitably did…Peach was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.

    Up yours, medical science!

    Peach returned home after weeks in hospitals and my sister and her hubby could then start family life at last. However, family life would not be the usual challenges that us parents know all too well and moan about (I certainly have done!). Our challenges are, honestly insignificant in the kindest of ways to what my sister and her husband have faced over the years.

    The severity of the cerebral palsy condition became apparent as the months and years went on. Peach was unable to hold herself up, her muscle capacity was minimal which lead to her eventually becoming a wheelchair user. Due to the muscle condition, Peach found it difficult to swallow so was to be fed through her tummy. Peach was partially blind though if her gaze locked on you it felt as if she was communicating with your soul! Peach could not speak, though those eyes said everything we needed to know, her other nickname being “Lashes” never requiring mascara! Peach was diagnosed with epilepsy, it seemed my sister spent years and years constantly juggling medication to control the seizures.

    So my sister became a full time carer, literally spending her 24 hours feeding, changing, cleaning and administering medication, to name a few of the jobs. As well as wife and Mum to my other niece (what a star she has grown up to be too).

    Peach grew up requiring oxygen almost nightly (and sometimes in the daytime) as well as nebuliser and respiratory machines to maintain levels. The night time routine for my sister became a couple of hours sleep here and there with a monitor and alarm system by my sisters bedside so that she could see and hear Peach as she slept and woke. Peach grew up sometimes refusing to sleep at night and became known as a bit of a party girl (like Mother like Daughter!).

    When Peach was young we were warned (another “brace” moment) that with all the issues that she continuously battles Peach would doubtfully make double figures…she went to an amazing hospice for children with life limiting conditions. My sister thankfully found extended family in other mums and dads that were going through the situations far removed from normality…some people of which are still cherished to this day.

    I believe Peach was in her 12th year (up yours medical science…still going in her 12th year!) when we counted 10 hospital visits in that year alone, as she was prone to chest infections and respiratory issues amongst other things, including pneumonia and collapsed lungs. We were told Peach had a lung infection called Pseudomonas, that was a powerful and worrying condition, one that will return and could eventually kill her. We felt this could be it, bear in mind this is about the 5th time we think is this the end (?), in Peach’s stoic life!

    It was not…

    Becoming a Fabulous Lady

    Peach went on to continue school (special education for very incredible kids). My sister, husband and younger niece had no choice but to accept their unusually challenging and unique family life. They were limited on where and when they could get out and about. As the years went on the act of getting out the door, of which we innocently take completely for granted, became more of a struggle with the routine of preparing a fully grown adult with hardly any muscle capacity. Peach needed to be washed, dressed, fed, repositioned from home chair or to outdoor wheelchair, all meds and toiletries packed and checked…this alone would take an hour…that is before you have even reached the mobility van.

    Some years were quieter than others as Peach became a young lady, she could have moments of behaviour that those long lashed eyes would tell you with no uncertainly that she was not in the mood for singing or being kissed for the 100th time. You knew when she wanted to be left alone. Or Peach could giggle with excitement if the right song came on or her favourite movie was, at last, entertaining her.

    The final hospital visit left my amazing sister with haunting memories of 24 hours in a side corridor with no medication or private changing facility due to NHS issues. NHS staff are amazing but the system lets down the fantastic life savers and the much needed facilities.

    In an emergency, it was agreed that Peach would be treated at home by the Respiratory Team and my sister in future, at least they had all the medical needs at home. My sister became clinician, as well as carer, mum, best mate….no one knew Peach like her incredible Mummy. And a couple of years ago my sister’s paramedic skills were put to the ultimate test when Peach stopped breathing at home, my sister calmly and in control performed CPR on her daughter until the emergency team arrived – saving her life again!

    My Sister’s special birthday

    Last year Peach started hibernating, which she was known to do like a beautiful, warm bear in the winter. Only this time she slept more and more, Peach didn’t seem to want to be awake so much even on her party nights.

    My sister continued her tenacious work with making sure Peach’s respiratory system was clear and clean, as usual, although we realised gently this was not clearing up as it did before. In the Autumn, Peach did not wake up for 5 days and nights and seemed to be slipping away…brace again…is this it? I am given the gentle warning things for Peach are looking fragile, my sister messaged me to invite me to see her soon as she really is not well at all.

    The next evening after work I visit…in these circumstances you prepare for the very worst BUT we all know we are dealing with this uniquely strong human being that has defied medical warnings all her 21 years! So…is this really it…am I saying goodbye!!!??? When I arrive my sister says graceful and forcefully that the environment around Peach is being kept serene and calm and loving. We stand around Peach’s bed, we chat and quietly giggle to keep a delicate time light…then I see a flicker of lashes from my niece and suggest she is waking up…we are doubtful then again Peach flashes her eyes and she wakes up, groggy but after FIVE whole worrying days she wakes…did having us all there together rouse her…did she decide it was not yet time! Were we not ready to let her go!?

    The weeks turn to Winter and a few days before my sisters birthday I am again warned Peach has slipped into sleepiness again. I am compelled to make my visits more frequent…one evening the doctor home visits Peach…this is no ordinary doctor, she is a straight talking, compassionate, posh, sweary realist! I like her very much! Doctor talks about making Peach comfortable and advises my sister to care for her as she sees fit from here in…for this last bit! So, there is was…this really is the final brace for impact…we knew the doctor knew and the moment was so like giving us permission to accept.

    …though my sister, as I felt, still questioned with a smile on her face, Peach does not conform and there is 1% that tells us she could say “eff you”, I am not going anywhere!

    That evening I was given the privilege of helping bed bath my stunning, sleeping niece. I washed her delicate, porcelain like hands and held her soft, gorgeous body as her parents and my mum all surrounded her with love. We all cared for her that evening, together and it was serene and satisfying. I did something to help and was so grateful as I went to bed that night, eager to see them all the next day for my sisters birthday.

    I woke not checking my phone first thing the next morning and lie there in and out of sleep from early hours…then a phone call from my sister with the calm and devastating words that Peach has gone, 1am….just into my sisters birthday…Peach was gone!

    Peach chose her Mum’s birthday to pass and my selfless sister even took that as a beautiful sign that their eternal connection will not be lost, Peach made sure will be remembered, as was her determined character.

    I felt that night we were all ready to let go of this brave, courageous, strong teacher. Peach had work to do on this earth even though she could not communicate, move or interact as we do…Peach taught us to appreciate the abilities we have and stop moaning about the chores, jobs, hard work as she had no choice, we have choices! We can clean our own teeth, put a spoon to our own mouths, walk to the shop, text our friends, watch and see a movie, we can dance, run, hug, kiss, cough, breath unaided.

    I thank my niece for teaching me to appreciate everything I am ABLE to do , even the crap stuff. I am so grateful.

    Peach Roses

    Today Peach would have been 22 years old, her family celebrated at one of her favourite wildlife parks. The peach roses in the image were stumbled across by my mum on our way to light a candle for Peach at my local Abbey today…that is no coincidence, that is another gift from our incredible Teacher, Peach!

  • I am good at…

    What are you good at?

    …learning…I am very aware that I have become compelled to learn more…I have started this blog as I’m compelled to write…almost like a test delivered to me from a gentle soul pushing me in a direction I am unfamiliar with and yet excited about…who knows why…who knows what will become of this blog…who knows what other treasures I am to learn along the blogging journey…or what jewels I could teach…now that’s a skill on a another mysterious trail…

  • Loss

    Healing time

    Loss

    What is this feeling of loss when someone leaves this life?

    We know, as grown-ups, that death is inevitable, but it still surprises us when it does happen. Loss can spring itself upon us without warning, or we may have to bear witness to a long condition from which we can do nothing but comfort our loved one in their demise.

    What can be even more surprising are the emotions we experience when we are aware loss of a loved one is imminent and the emotions when they leave us.

    Loss may make us feel like our heart has literally broken in two, or that a limb is missing, or that we are left with a gaping, deep, black hole that we never imagined would disrupt our life.

    And how personal is grief? In my experience, how grief grips us depends on differing circumstances.

    Grief may cause shock, trauma, denial, anger…an array of intense emotions.

    As a teenager, upon being told that his Dad had lost his battle with cancer, my cousin had the most unusual reaction in that he laughed…his brain took the shock as a joke, the reality of his Father dying must have seemed so completely ridiculous that he did not take the news as truth.

    Loss might create a feeling of numbness, causing us to feel nothing when we know that we should feel something, which may lead to confusion, guilt or fear that we may not be responding to loss in the “normal” way.

    About 20 years ago, the best friend of my then husband suddenly died in a road traffic accident. When the news reached us, I did what felt natural and approached my husband to embrace him for comfort. His response was to hold his arms out in front of him to prevent the embrace and told me that he was “alright”.

    In contrast, grief can also bring some life-affirming realisations and gifts on another level that we can only receive upon the death of a loved one, and those gifts can last our lifetime.

    Relief

    If we have watched a loved one become unwell, eventually we realise we may need to prepare to say goodbye. We might feel the unknown almost unbearable. Is there a chance they may get better and make a revival? Limbo can be tough, painful even, and time may seem to encompass us in a dimension bubble outside of normal life. Everyone and everything else in this life continues around us whilst we must accept patience by watching and waiting on our loved one.

    We have no control over time or how the end presents itself. Does our loved one, or their soul, have the knowledge or control?

    When the waiting is over, there may be a mighty sense of relief, relief that our loved one is not suffering. Relief that we are no longer in that heart-aching limbo. Though this relief may come and go, as will the grief, inevitably oscillating in the months and years to come.

    I feel that relief is self-preservation when we face loss; we need the positive emotions to balance the dark intensity of the reality that our loved one will not open their eyes again and talk or hold us. We need the relief to experience some light in the blackness.

    Comfort

    There is no control when death has decided to choose a new angel. If we have time to comfort our loved one towards their final days, then I feel this is a true blessing for them and us.

    Comfort is needed for those around us too, which we can give to each other without condition or terms, as the normalities and usual conflicts in life no longer have meaning (even if it is only lasting within the limbo bubble).

    What if we are comforting everyone else, who comforts us? We all need kind support and someone to say that they understand, it WILL be ok, there is peace, there will be healing. If we feel alone in loss and grief, then that is the time to look inwards to ourselves. There are no rules to state that we aren’t able to be kind to ourselves. We could use warm, comforting words, even wrap our arms around ourselves with gentle awareness and patience. It really is possible to be a friend to ourselves.

    We may even find comfort from beyond this time/world/place in which we remain, after our loved ones pass/pass over…whatever we believe in. Some people find comfort from knowing their family and friends who are no longer living, maybe even ancestors, will be holding our hand. We may be guided and supported from another place that we know nothing of yet…exciting! We might wonder if those involuntary thoughts that sometimes bring us courage or knowledge are being gifted to us by a generous soul from another realm. There are so many beliefs, opinions or expectations which will remain a mystery until our time comes.

    Support

    Followingloss, we have another stage of unpreparedness in dealing with acceptance. It can be overwhelming to face these acceptances. How do we accept that we will never see, hear, talk, touch our loved one ever again?…well, not in this life as we know it anyway…

    How do we accept possible resentment that someone has left us…left us with coping without them…left us with all the practical jobs…the finances…the anniversaries…the explanations to those who ask where are they…and how do we accept being alone in the emotional turmoil?

    We are left having to support ourselves as well as those around us, this is especially difficult if one has children or someone to look after.

    We may be the one who is supporting the directly grieved, who are lost in their sadness and despair. We are the one to offer a hand, shoulder, ear, food, and our love. Though who is supporting us in this hierarchy of grief? We too are affected and deeply sorry for them and for ourselves.

    We can journal or blog to put thoughts and emotions in perspective or to just free ourselves from our own minds. We can join social media support groups and meet others in similar circumstances. We can reach out to family who may not be directly affected and friends for strength in support. Being a single parent I sometimes just want someone to listen…no need to find a solution or try to say the right thing, just listen. Or there are some incredible bereavement support groups and organisations that will welcome anyone needing assistance and solace. We should really explore these wonderful offerings, nothing to lose, lots to gain in healing.

    These delicate initial stages of grief are usually, and thankfully, short-lived for most of us.

    After time, the turmoil and sadness become less dominant…it may feel less scary. It continues to lessen over weeks, months, sometimes years. We may start to allow memories of our loved one to enter our forethought. We may even smile when we hear a song our loved one favoured, remember them dancing…even if it was embarrassing at the time…especially if it was embarrassing at the time. We may begin to wear their favourite colour to remind us that they can still walk alongside us. We may eat their favourite meal with a smile and drink their favourite drink with a “cheers,” to them! Eventually, we may laugh again at the pictures and photos as these can never be replaced.

    These are the gifts our loss delivers, we truly immerse ourselves in the things our loved one loved…did we do that when they were alive? Maybe…maybe not!

    These are the things that will bring comfort and support for all the time that we have to carry on enjoying this life in their honour.

    In December, we lost my incredible 21-year-old niece…Lia will be remembered in a later post dedicated especially to her…then in April, my sons lost their grandfather who they adored…the man known as Dai or John or Father Jones to my generation, the man who once was my father-in-law and remained much loved. I have lost what feels like too many loved ones over what feels like a short life, including my own father…their passing gifts are our memories, beautiful and cherished.

    I hope anyone relating to this can find comfort and support in knowing that we are not alone!

  • Many many many…

    Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?

    …times I wish I’d taken action, particularly in relationships, however, I would not do anything differently because I would not have learned the lessons I have…everything (including my own reactions and behaviour) has happened to teach me something 💞

  • Perspective – part 1

    Understanding

    I am not sure if my understanding of perspective has changed with experience and age or because of the work I have put in trying to figure out myself, relationships and this life, probably a bit of both.

    Some of us may be so caught up in our own minds that we assume other people share our perspective and, therefore, should absolutely understand our way of thinking. I now realise this is so far from reality in my experience, particularly in relationships.

    Blankers

    I see the same person at the bus stop every Wednesday morning though have never spoken with them…odd that isn’t it?! Well it may be to some of us.

    In fact, I have worked in the same office for three years almost and I pass people who I see every week and yet whom have never spoken to me. I have passed familiar faces working for the same business week in week out, offering an upbeat “hello” or “good morning” to receive nothing back. I have heard other colleagues say they have had the same experience and relay the encounter with frustration or disgust, vowing to not speak to the offender again or not help them if they ask for support.

    I used to feel the same angst in a lot of situations, not just blankers (that’s not Cockney Rhyming Slang by the way…I refer to people who choose to blank one in the above scenario).

    I used to take so much people said, or didn’t say, to me very personally and felt hurt by other peoples actions, still do sometimes, until I digest things. Depending on my mood, morale, and esteem on the day, it can sometimes take a lot for me to muster up the confidence to speak to “strangers” – we are mere humans after all, all these feelings can feel overwhelming!

    Twist

    Change in perspective: what if the blanker has had awful news recently, or is having a difficult time at home, is painfully shy or autistic, what if your face reminds them of a bully they still have nightmares over, or maybe they just cannot be bothered! Their perspective may be seen through a much more complex lens, the energy may not be enough to reply to an unknown person’s offer of “hello”.

    From our perspective the rude-ass behaviour may be offensive and we may take it personally, we may write that person off, we judge that person.

    If we knew that person had an underlying issue (and does not share our perspective that it is a good morning to say Hello!), would we be more understanding or less judgemental?

    Expectations

    In what rule book does it say that because we spoke to someone and they did not respond then that is a wrong? This is our expectation, not the blankers.

    I feel this can be true for a lot of perspectives in life. Perspectives we may have adopted from who and how we were brought up, or the culture of the country in which we live.

    Maybe if we asked a person why they said (or didn’t say!) or did something in a certain way/ tone/attitude we might understand their perspective.

    I have learnt to challenge in a real, gentle way (which is my natural tone) so I can widen the lens and peer through someone else’s telescope from which I am much less offended, more free from the dust and absolutely more resilient in life – joy!

    Looking through the lens