I see you today standing upright and strong, with a stance of maturity and quiet sobriety on this cool, sunny Sunday. Blue skies deceiving us, tempting us to very easily make the wrong choice of clothing after a long, hot summer, scarce of rainfall that is so foreign to these isles.
Taking care to be swift, before you and your sweet girl drive away in your silver car that you say is parked precariously down the end of our alleyway…the car that your Dad’s Mum donated so generously after your Grandfathers passing, she now has no need for two cars. How proud your Dadcu will be in helping you with this gift of freedom and independence, and how relieved he will be that you didn’t get the new SUV with the faster engine and pristine interior.
I am becoming accustomed to your new routine of finding your adult feet, exploring your exciting liberty with a newfound confidence. You come home and, almost as soon as you hug me hello, you are back to warm my shoulders with a see-you-later squeeze. I will take all the love, my Son, no matter how fleeting, how fortunate I am for your split-second demonstration of unconditional care.
No longer scared of every changing scene in your world, as was the tiny boy I soon learned as a young Mum that you would be ok leaving the house as long as we counted down the event. Memories of the shiny, red rocket you would hang on to with both infant hands and soar through the living room for no less than a year, it looked huge against your little form. You would make whooshing and swooshing sounds to replicate its great engines…10…9…8…shoes on….7…6…5…coat on…4…3…do you need the toilet?…2…1…lift off! …and out we go.
No more holding you back, my Son, you are exhilarated by every experience that you are yet to comprehend. Do you feel invincible like your superhero from when you were five years old? Spider-Man was brave, he could climb great heights and whatever he reached for he got.
Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.
…was the most positive things my Son has done for me.
I have two teenage Sons, both of whom are equally adored…though this post is dedicated to my eldest, T, as he is facing what half the world seems to be struggling with today, in that life is getting too much.
So I want to say to T that the most positive thing a family member has done for me is being brave enough to be born into this crazy world and to choose me as your Mumma, I am SO grateful 💝
T on his 18th Birthday…your life starts here …today…and again tomorrow
…I learned in high school that I am a terrible exam taker, I felt un confident, unmotivated and nonchalant…and today, as a parent of late teenagers, my respect for the education system in the UK has not improved.
I think some teachers are incredible and deserve much more recognition than they get but the system is outdated in my opinion…too much pressure and stress is felt by some students (and teachers).
Should an entire childhood of learning be concluded by 1-2 hour exams?
Should exams define how “good” or “bad” someone’s learning skills are?
Does exam methodology fit every student? Not for me!
There needs to be a change to celebrate what students really know, not just retain information, what is really important to take into adult life or a chosen specialism…
Ooh I gave much more opinion in that answer than expected…thank you for reading if you got this far ☺️
Tulips (not poppy’s thanks Mike!) don’t take exams but seem to know exactly what they’re doing…look to the sun!
I believe, like many elements of life, resilience is relative to you (to one), it is very personal. I do not expect you, dear reader, to compare my experiences and definition of resilience with your own. We each experience a lot in life, we will not always endure other peoples challenges…I can only speak from my heart (not anyone else’s).
What does resilience mean to me?
When I was a child experiencing a broken home, I abruptly realised that the family I had once assumed was one, indestructible entity was actually made up of separate individuals who could, inevitably, continue life apart. As a very young teenager I made a pact with myself that the one person I could unmistakably rely upon was myself. This felt rather painful at the time, but now I feel no sadness from that revelation, I feel so fortunate to have been taught the lesson.
Later, when I became a single parent my friends would describe me as brave and strong…I felt neither of these words, I felt only desperation! To be free from the sadness and resentment, I had the realisation that, again, the family entity I craved to recreate (the one I had as a young child) had not worked…it was distant, disjointed and desperately lonely. Though the teen memory of “going it alone” had actually given me the courage to just know it would be ok, I would be ok and so would my Sons…and their Dad – and, guess what, we are all ok!
As a single parent who struggles with the overwhelm of every aspect this path brings, emotional, practical, financial, it can feel scary…but it is only a perception! I have been parenting solo for 14 years, I am rather proud that I have managed to feed and water two handsome humans that now stand way above me…no one has spontaneously combusted because I had to work and dinner wasn’t presented neatly on time as a three course, homemade, master chef extravaganza! I rarely enjoy extra pennies after my wage comes in, but I have never missed a rent payment, utility bill or had my Sons go without decent food. That’s achievement!
Christmas, birthdays and holidays are budgeted…we still enjoy a 3 night glamping experience for my youngest Son’s summer birthday…we sit around a fire pit under the stars, toasting marshmallows and I enjoy the local wine (our glamping site is also a vineyard – heaven!) and the dog can come too! Amazing but I have made it work! There are always those unexpected cheeky devils of extra bills that come out of nowhere and usually loads all at once, how lucky am I to have the credit…it used to petrify me but now I realise that is just life, my life and we are doing ok!
I watched a comedian once on TV who, from Africa, now lives in the UK. He humbly and hilariously described how us Brits would complain about how broke we are…with our 64” plasma screens, designer nails and nights out…we live in luxury compared to other corners of our world! It is so true! Our concept of being broke is relative, we are very lucky!
In the early days I worried to the point of panic when my, now grown up Son, couldn’t sleep from feeling anxious or that I was always saying to my boys, “Mummy doesn’t have time…”. I learned to research a problem, talk to other parents, or create ways to remedy the anxieties and how I could make the time. I stopped the guilt of conflict trying to get EVERYTHING done instead of precious time with the most important humans in my life.
Age and experience have brought about resilience, as I age I become more comfortable with who I am and that nothing happens by accident. Every decision, every challenge is just learning and creating a stronger, wiser version of myself.
So, it is only the THOUGHT that life and it’s challenges are scary and sometimes feels impossible. If we can change our perception and remember no-one has spontaneously combusted (well, I do hope not in your case!), there is no real point fretting over the “what ifs”, we are doing life anyway…you have to put the effort in and sometimes you may not get a whole lot in return, materialistically, the intangible returns are usually the best in my opinion. Just when things feel tough, that is the time to face it full on, that is where strength comes from.
Enjoy the lessons, share the stories, inspire the next generation, teach your resilience! You are never really alone!
Last week I talked about resilience on more than one level…resilience to admit you are at rock bottom (to yourself!!!), resilience to make a decision that effects people close to you and knowing it will hurt them, resilience to follow through the decision, and resilience to work on how, why and the after life of a relationship break up.
Before I made the leg-numbing decision to leave, I talked to my Sister who (in a Big Sister, just sort yourself out pesky little Sister, way) with a shoulder shrug gave the straight talk of “you either accept this is him or you leave!”…harsh but it is true though, isn’t it…could I accept I would be making every decision, every crisis management and what I expected to be gorgeous, precious, quality family time, on my own?!? I asked my Mum her thoughts, she sensibly advised that I stay until the kids are older…now my Mum is a beautiful, strong, sweet lady who is there for you, BUT that one sentence set off bus sized red for danger alarm bells.
My Mum and Dad had a “normal” marriage, we were from a working class, close knit family until my Dad was caught seeking needs elsewhere. Our dream like family unit turned into a destructive, depressing failure for 4 or 5 years into mine and my Sister’s delicate teen years. We have never forgotten the sadness of those years, watching our parents become shells of themselves, not knowing what to do, stay together for the kids – for me, that is a big, fat NO! I am not saying it isn’t right for everyone but from my personal experience, the resentment that was already drowning me, imagining waiting another 10 years, I dread to think the environment my kids would have been brought up in, I was not prepared to have my kids endure an unhappy upbringing, an old pattern nightmare that we had experienced.
To follow through with the decision of ending my marriage I knew there would be emotional and practical consequences, particularly financial that scared the crap out of me, it still does at times, but I am surviving, as are my kids, and very well compared to others in less fortunate cultures and countries.
Following the demise of my marriage, the man I spent 10 years of my life with, seemed a stranger, as I detached myself from that connection (for self preservation).
I turned the connection with the father of my children into a necessary acquaintance, two people working separately (and thankfully amicably) to provide the best care we were/are able to for our equally adored Sons. The amicable bit has not always been easy as I will, no doubt, touch on in a later blurb…
I have worked for many years on trying to rationalise my leaving and what went wrong. I used to believe it was all his doing and I could not let go of the resentment still (it did not go away immediately as I imagined it would).
I now know, after a lot of soul searching (there are those podcasts and books again!) we were absolutely both responsible for the breakdown, not just him because of his shortcomings, not just me because of my expectations and values…it was because we could not align, we did not get each other and we had no idea how to communicate any of the steps we desperately tried before the end (even marriage counselling couldn’t fix us!).
I am to this day very grateful that my kids have two parents that have put their kids wellbeing first. It has not been easy, as I say, but we are doing it! Our eldest Son has just turned 18, our job has been successful so far, we raised a bloody adult, yippee! My ex-hubby and I even text (that’s our favourite communication method ha ha) and agreed to have a family meal in a posh restaurant with our parents, sisters and nieces…the first time we were all together since before the marriage ended 14 years ago…and it was actually very cool! Especially so for our Sons.
So all is not lost, as always, it’s how you navigate these tough life experiences. Acceptance is the first hurdle, then life can flower again once you have the resilience. You are absolutely not alone!
So, it is Valentine’s Day – sending love, of course. ….but for some of us this can be a less “loving” day if you have no one to share it with, spoil you or argue with over who bought the best card or where the roses came from (not the fuel station!)…
This is my very first blog, I am not even sure how this properly looks or even if anyone will read this or if you will find me, I am LadyJay…hope to connect in a simple way about meaningful and simple life stuff…don’t be alone…please say hello!
Lady Jay 