I see you today standing upright and strong, with a stance of maturity and quiet sobriety on this cool, sunny Sunday. Blue skies deceiving us, tempting us to very easily make the wrong choice of clothing after a long, hot summer, scarce of rainfall that is so foreign to these isles.
Taking care to be swift, before you and your sweet girl drive away in your silver car that you say is parked precariously down the end of our alleyway…the car that your Dad’s Mum donated so generously after your Grandfathers passing, she now has no need for two cars. How proud your Dadcu will be in helping you with this gift of freedom and independence, and how relieved he will be that you didn’t get the new SUV with the faster engine and pristine interior.
I am becoming accustomed to your new routine of finding your adult feet, exploring your exciting liberty with a newfound confidence. You come home and, almost as soon as you hug me hello, you are back to warm my shoulders with a see-you-later squeeze. I will take all the love, my Son, no matter how fleeting, how fortunate I am for your split-second demonstration of unconditional care.
No longer scared of every changing scene in your world, as was the tiny boy I soon learned as a young Mum that you would be ok leaving the house as long as we counted down the event. Memories of the shiny, red rocket you would hang on to with both infant hands and soar through the living room for no less than a year, it looked huge against your little form. You would make whooshing and swooshing sounds to replicate its great engines…10…9…8…shoes on….7…6…5…coat on…4…3…do you need the toilet?…2…1…lift off! …and out we go.
No more holding you back, my Son, you are exhilarated by every experience that you are yet to comprehend. Do you feel invincible like your superhero from when you were five years old? Spider-Man was brave, he could climb great heights and whatever he reached for he got.
What is this feeling of loss when someone leaves this life?
We know, as grown-ups, that death is inevitable, but it still surprises us when it does happen. Loss can spring itself upon us without warning, or we may have to bear witness to a long condition from which we can do nothing but comfort our loved one in their demise.
What can be even more surprising are the emotions we experience when we are aware loss of a loved one is imminent and the emotions when they leave us.
Loss may make us feel like our heart has literally broken in two, or that a limb is missing, or that we are left with a gaping, deep, black hole that we never imagined would disrupt our life.
And how personal is grief? In my experience, how grief grips us depends on differing circumstances.
Grief may cause shock, trauma, denial, anger…an array of intense emotions.
As a teenager, upon being told that his Dad had lost his battle with cancer, my cousin had the most unusual reaction in that he laughed…his brain took the shock as a joke, the reality of his Father dying must have seemed so completely ridiculous that he did not take the news as truth.
Loss might create a feeling of numbness, causing us to feel nothing when we know that we should feel something, which may lead to confusion, guilt or fear that we may not be responding to loss in the “normal” way.
About 20 years ago, the best friend of my then husband suddenly died in a road traffic accident. When the news reached us, I did what felt natural and approached my husband to embrace him for comfort. His response was to hold his arms out in front of him to prevent the embrace and told me that he was “alright”.
In contrast, grief can also bring some life-affirming realisations and gifts on another level that we can only receive upon the death of a loved one, and those gifts can last our lifetime.
Relief
If we have watched a loved one become unwell, eventually we realise we may need to prepare to say goodbye. We might feel the unknown almost unbearable. Is there a chance they may get better and make a revival? Limbo can be tough, painful even, and time may seem to encompass us in a dimension bubble outside of normal life. Everyone and everything else in this life continues around us whilst we must accept patience by watching and waiting on our loved one.
We have no control over time or how the end presents itself. Does our loved one, or their soul, have the knowledge or control?
When the waiting is over, there may be a mighty sense of relief, relief that our loved one is not suffering. Relief that we are no longer in that heart-aching limbo. Though this relief may come and go, as will the grief, inevitably oscillating in the months and years to come.
I feel that relief is self-preservation when we face loss; we need the positive emotions to balance the dark intensity of the reality that our loved one will not open their eyes again and talk or hold us. We need the relief to experience some light in the blackness.
Comfort
There is no control when death has decided to choose a new angel. If we have time to comfort our loved one towards their final days, then I feel this is a true blessing for them and us.
Comfort is needed for those around us too, which we can give to each other without condition or terms, as the normalities and usual conflicts in life no longer have meaning (even if it is only lasting within the limbo bubble).
What if we are comforting everyone else, who comforts us? We all need kind support and someone to say that they understand, it WILL be ok, there is peace, there will be healing. If we feel alone in loss and grief, then that is the time to look inwards to ourselves. There are no rules to state that we aren’t able to be kind to ourselves. We could use warm, comforting words, even wrap our arms around ourselves with gentle awareness and patience. It really is possible to be a friend to ourselves.
We may even find comfort from beyond this time/world/place in which we remain, after our loved ones pass/pass over…whatever we believe in. Some people find comfort from knowing their family and friends who are no longer living, maybe even ancestors, will be holding our hand. We may be guided and supported from another place that we know nothing of yet…exciting! We might wonder if those involuntary thoughts that sometimes bring us courage or knowledge are being gifted to us by a generous soul from another realm. There are so many beliefs, opinions or expectations which will remain a mystery until our time comes.
Support
Followingloss, we have another stage of unpreparedness in dealing with acceptance. It can be overwhelming to face these acceptances. How do we accept that we will never see, hear, talk, touch our loved one ever again?…well, not in this life as we know it anyway…
How do we accept possible resentment that someone has left us…left us with coping without them…left us with all the practical jobs…the finances…the anniversaries…the explanations to those who ask where are they…and how do we accept being alone in the emotional turmoil?
We are left having to support ourselves as well as those around us, this is especially difficult if one has children or someone to look after.
We may be the one who is supporting the directly grieved, who are lost in their sadness and despair. We are the one to offer a hand, shoulder, ear, food, and our love. Though who is supporting us in this hierarchy of grief? We too are affected and deeply sorry for them and for ourselves.
We can journal or blog to put thoughts and emotions in perspective or to just free ourselves from our own minds. We can join social media support groups and meet others in similar circumstances. We can reach out to family who may not be directly affected and friends for strength in support. Being a single parent I sometimes just want someone to listen…no need to find a solution or try to say the right thing, just listen. Or there are some incredible bereavement support groups and organisations that will welcome anyone needing assistance and solace. We should really explore these wonderful offerings, nothing to lose, lots to gain in healing.
These delicate initial stages of grief are usually, and thankfully, short-lived for most of us.
After time, the turmoil and sadness become less dominant…it may feel less scary. It continues to lessen over weeks, months, sometimes years. We may start to allow memories of our loved one to enter our forethought. We may even smile when we hear a song our loved one favoured, remember them dancing…even if it was embarrassing at the time…especially if it was embarrassing at the time. We may begin to wear their favourite colour to remind us that they can still walk alongside us. We may eat their favourite meal with a smile and drink their favourite drink with a “cheers,” to them! Eventually, we may laugh again at the pictures and photos as these can never be replaced.
These are the gifts our loss delivers, we truly immerse ourselves in the things our loved one loved…did we do that when they were alive? Maybe…maybe not!
These are the things that will bring comfort and support for all the time that we have to carry on enjoying this life in their honour.
In December, we lost my incredible 21-year-old niece…Lia will be remembered in a later post dedicated especially to her…then in April, my sons lost their grandfather who they adored…the man known as Dai or John or Father Jones to my generation, the man who once was my father-in-law and remained much loved. I have lost what feels like too many loved ones over what feels like a short life, including my own father…their passing gifts are our memories, beautiful and cherished.
I hope anyone relating to this can find comfort and support in knowing that we are not alone!
Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.
…was the most positive things my Son has done for me.
I have two teenage Sons, both of whom are equally adored…though this post is dedicated to my eldest, T, as he is facing what half the world seems to be struggling with today, in that life is getting too much.
So I want to say to T that the most positive thing a family member has done for me is being brave enough to be born into this crazy world and to choose me as your Mumma, I am SO grateful 💝
T on his 18th Birthday…your life starts here …today…and again tomorrow
It was into adulthood that, by sharing thoughts & feelings through my personal lens, I became aware just how very different people’s perspective could be whilst observing the same subject.
Our perspective can have a completely contrasting picture of each other, on home, on love, on work, on every aspect of life. I find it fascinating how far away our perception of the world can be from each other, apart from upbringing and cultural influences, our differing perspectives is one of those delightful traits that makes us unique.
Sensitivity
Upon sharing our perspective of a subject we are, in fact, simply sharing our opinion I guess, our opinion of something from our view point.
Whilst growing up I used to keep my opinions to myself through lack of confidence and an assumption that I may be told I was either stupid or too sensitive. There were times I felt my sensitivity was a weakness or sad, people seemed to either laugh at me or feel sorry for me. I thought that no one else thought in the same way as me, another assumption that my feelings were wrong or odd. I felt ashamed of my sensitivity.
If only I had realised that comments made about my sensitivity were simply someone else’s opinion from their perspective. If only I knew that this opinion was their thing, not mine. If only I understood then that people were not necessarily voicing their opinion from their perspective to make me feel bad. It was simply words.
Challenge
In my teens I began speaking up when the urge took me, I started to challenge certain opinions. On occasion, I gained courage, sharing my own perspective of the world. I was still quiet and lacked self confidence when speaking up in front of people, however, watch out world if someone said something I didn’t like.
If a conversation came about and I didn’t agree with someone’s perspective, almost out of nowhere, powerful fire would ignite in me and I would present this strong, passionate lioness version of myself (still can!). There was no self-righteous consideration, it was a natural and involuntary reaction.
I could not (and still do not) understand how people could be so judgemental over how someone looked or how they chose to live. People have suggested I am being virtuous but it is actually just a natural trigger that I cannot help and have to challenge. My niece is the same, she is quiet though has no inhibitions in questioning anyone who makes a judgement on someone. Maybe it’s a teen thing, laying down our personality foundation.
The challenger version of me seemed to shock people (still does!). Instead of people celebrating my stoic individualism, it was sometimes met with comments like “calm down” and “don’t be so sensitive”. Maybe it was because I was usually quiet, rarely forced my opinion. Maybe it was my delivery, all those teen hormones can certainly induce passion. Whatever the case, perplexed reactions to the lioness did not prevent me continuing to challenge. What I perceived as wrong was not what the person I challenged felt was wrong. See, it’s all opinion!
Running boy
This is a classic example of perspective, I wonder what you would conclude from this story? Whilst out walking my dog one day, at the back grounds of the Abbey in the town in which I live, a swift figure caught my eye. A tall, slim, young lad was running towards the town as if he was late for a very important date, just like the rabbit in Alice In Wonderland. He wore a rain jacket and his hood was up, even though it was not raining. Tufts of brown hair curled around the hood from the momentum of his fast pace. He then stopped running, looked around him, before taking up a normal walking motion. About 15 steps on he broke into his speedy run again. Then after about half a minute, he stopped and walked. This run/walk repeated at the hill from which he appeared all the way to the High Street.
You may not think this is unusual, neither did I, though it really does catch your attention when someone is running, very fast, in normal clothes (normal, except for the hood-up whatever the weather), he is not jogging.. Is he just hurrying to get somewhere, like the rabbit?
Now, I have seen this lad on several occasions doing exactly the same run/walk/repeat, with almost perfectly timed intervals.
My conclusion is that this is just how the young guy travels, it is brilliant to watch!
I have even found myself muttering to my dog “ooh there goes Running Boy” as the blur of a figure passes the trees beyond and fleetingly I glimpse the distinctive hood-up, that reduces to a sudden walk of determination.
Some may think this is odd behaviour but from my perspective, Running Boy has such a sense of freedom that I enjoy seeing on my dog walks. We have our “norms”, we either walk (or wheelchair) to get where you need to, or run/jog for health reasons. Running Boy seems to be in his own wonderful world of run/walk/repeat without the stereotypical requirements of reasoning, he just does his thing!
Acceptance
When I look back at the years of feeling “too sensitive ”, I have changed my perspective of how I am perceived by others. Truth is, who gives a crap…we are all wrapped up in our own little worlds to overthink people’s standard personality traits.
I am still sensitive, I cry at poignant Christmas adverts, long lost families, or Insta videos of dinky ponies visiting sick, elderly people for therapy (if you see that, I dare you not to sob happy tears! Beautiful!). I am really accepting of my empathetic ways, and realise that people don’t always see it as a weakness, they may get some security talking to someone who shows they care, which I hope I do.
This learned perspective has taught me to encourage my now teenage boys to never be afraid to have their opinion and try to always speak their truth, no matter what others may say.
I no longer feel ashamed of my sensitivity and hope my perspective lens keeps widening and changing as this life of learning twists and turns.
Has your perspective on other people changed recently? Are you aware of how you are perceived or how you perceive others for the better? Complex creatures aren’t we!
I am not sure if my understanding of perspective has changed with experience and age or because of the work I have put in trying to figure out myself, relationships and this life, probably a bit of both.
Some of us may be so caught up in our own minds that we assume other people share our perspective and, therefore, should absolutely understand our way of thinking. I now realise this is so far from reality in my experience, particularly in relationships.
Blankers
I see the same person at the bus stop every Wednesday morning though have never spoken with them…odd that isn’t it?! Well it may be to some of us.
In fact, I have worked in the same office for three years almost and I pass people who I see every week and yet whom have never spoken to me. I have passed familiar faces working for the same business week in week out, offering an upbeat “hello” or “good morning” to receive nothing back. I have heard other colleagues say they have had the same experience and relay the encounter with frustration or disgust, vowing to not speak to the offender again or not help them if they ask for support.
I used to feel the same angst in a lot of situations, not just blankers (that’s not Cockney Rhyming Slang by the way…I refer to people who choose to blank one in the above scenario).
I used to take so much people said, or didn’t say, to me very personally and felt hurt by other peoples actions, still do sometimes, until I digest things. Depending on my mood, morale, and esteem on the day, it can sometimes take a lot for me to muster up the confidence to speak to “strangers” – we are mere humans after all, all these feelings can feel overwhelming!
Twist
Change in perspective: what if the blanker has had awful news recently, or is having a difficult time at home, is painfully shy or autistic, what if your face reminds them of a bully they still have nightmares over, or maybe they just cannot be bothered! Their perspective may be seen through a much more complex lens, the energy may not be enough to reply to an unknown person’s offer of “hello”.
From our perspective the rude-ass behaviour may be offensive and we may take it personally, we may write that person off, we judge that person.
If we knew that person had an underlying issue (and does not share our perspective that it is a good morning to say Hello!), would we be more understanding or less judgemental?
Expectations
In what rule book does it say that because we spoke to someone and they did not respond then that is a wrong? This is our expectation, not the blankers.
I feel this can be true for a lot of perspectives in life. Perspectives we may have adopted from who and how we were brought up, or the culture of the country in which we live.
Maybe if we asked a person why they said (or didn’t say!) or did something in a certain way/ tone/attitude we might understand their perspective.
I have learnt to challenge in a real, gentle way (which is my natural tone) so I can widen the lens and peer through someone else’s telescope from which I am much less offended, more free from the dust and absolutely more resilient in life – joy!
Lady Jay 