I see you today standing upright and strong, with a stance of maturity and quiet sobriety on this cool, sunny Sunday. Blue skies deceiving us, tempting us to very easily make the wrong choice of clothing after a long, hot summer, scarce of rainfall that is so foreign to these isles.
Taking care to be swift, before you and your sweet girl drive away in your silver car that you say is parked precariously down the end of our alleyway…the car that your Dad’s Mum donated so generously after your Grandfathers passing, she now has no need for two cars. How proud your Dadcu will be in helping you with this gift of freedom and independence, and how relieved he will be that you didn’t get the new SUV with the faster engine and pristine interior.
I am becoming accustomed to your new routine of finding your adult feet, exploring your exciting liberty with a newfound confidence. You come home and, almost as soon as you hug me hello, you are back to warm my shoulders with a see-you-later squeeze. I will take all the love, my Son, no matter how fleeting, how fortunate I am for your split-second demonstration of unconditional care.
No longer scared of every changing scene in your world, as was the tiny boy I soon learned as a young Mum that you would be ok leaving the house as long as we counted down the event. Memories of the shiny, red rocket you would hang on to with both infant hands and soar through the living room for no less than a year, it looked huge against your little form. You would make whooshing and swooshing sounds to replicate its great engines…10…9…8…shoes on….7…6…5…coat on…4…3…do you need the toilet?…2…1…lift off! …and out we go.
No more holding you back, my Son, you are exhilarated by every experience that you are yet to comprehend. Do you feel invincible like your superhero from when you were five years old? Spider-Man was brave, he could climb great heights and whatever he reached for he got.
This weekend I promised myself quality time for mindfulness after a couple of difficult past, painful and sad memories came up out of nowhere (or so it seemed…).
I like to, and have learned to, listen to spontaneous flashes of past events as I believe they, at times, are knocking on my memory door to remind me that I have unfinished work to do. This type of mindfulness work has interested me in the past few years. I used to think if I faced a bad event with awareness and acknowledgement, then meditated on it a bit, then it would magically disappear. Poof!!!
Letting go
No poof!!! I could not understand why event memories continued to haunt me later. I have been told by many well-meaning people that I just need to “let go”. Yep, thanks so much…tell me something I didn’t know, the bloody irony! Ok…so I would face it, meditate and imagine letting “it” go, but it would not leave me alone.
I now realise, like most teachings in life, letting go takes a lot of practice for someone like me. Heart on my heavy, long sleeve! I used to be someone who believed what people said may be the truth, every insult or compliment was how everyone saw me, every opinion should be heard, every suggestion should be explored. It wasn’t as black and white as this picture paints, as I could also be stubborn, open-minded and fearlessly (still am) independent in other circumstances.
I am fortunate to have dived deeply into and crawled crumbling out of a few hard lessons. Every single lesson has shown me my mirror, time and time again, until I finally got it…I couldn’t just simply let go, I couldn’t learn to let go until I worked like an 18th-century washerwoman, until I learned how…
Back to now, and the recent painful memories…knowing I had some time completely to myself, I thought I would absorb myself into mindfulness trickery to find out what it is I need to know here…ah! yep, got it…I need to let it go, of course…it’s like washing the dishes, you think you’ve covered all the cutlery, then that last damn spoon is hiding under the bubbles…ooh, hang on then there’s another spoon, cheeky ass spoons! More cleaning up!
Practice
What mindfulness trickery should I indulge in, I thought as my working week was coming to an end?
I don’t think it is any coincidence that as I lift my headphones to my ears on the evening bus from work to home, searching for my next listening treat, that I notice a podcast “short” with Gabor Mate and Mel Robbins…in which Gabor asks Mel about a traumatic memory. Mel had told no one of her experience and kept it to herself, feeling alone and frightened. Gabor asks Mel if that happened to one of your children, how would you explain it…Gabor continued to probe and gave Mel the suggestion that the trauma itself was not just the painful memory, it was the fact she felt that she could not go to her own mother and tell her. It was clearly an emotional revelation, and a very powerful one to her and to me! This resonated with my recent memory.
Being a parent, you just want to protect your kids, but you also want to think they could come to you with any problem. Having also been a keeper of secrets (quite different to Mel’s trauma), I did not trust that I could go to my parents in the past, so I can empathise with that feeling very well. It taught me to be independent and to take time to trust anyone, if at all, not always healthy.
I have learnt from my parents and myself to encourage my sons to come to me or their dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend…anyone. As carrying that burden, pain and aloneness just gets in the way of total freedom to let go and get on with life despite the dark demons.
So, this short online chat by two wonderfully intelligent and open podcasters paved the way to tuning into my haunting memories and practising letting go by the one thing that will make sure you win the war…Forgiveness.
Forgiveness
With an unusually hot and sunny summer here in the UK recently and, apart from the dog daughter, I chose to set down my picnic blanket on the cottage lawn – well-dried mud and straw as it has become, as nothing is growing due to our fourth heat wave…I am not complaining as I love the sun and it is the weekend – I sit in the warmth of the summer gorgeousness and meditate. I face the haunting through my meditation, I turn my deep hurt, shame, guilt into compassion for the parties involved, leaving them with a warm hug and them smiling in my mind, off on a cloud to memory heaven.
The faces I see in my meditation are from the past, the feelings are from the past, the pain stays present until I work on it in this intimately personal way that suits me. After years of confusion and hours of hard emotional work, I can now do this letting go thing…it’s life-changing.
Next
My next tender treat of mindfulness was a yoga session by a completely beautiful and incredible online teacher from Texas, Adriene. The comfort yoga session I had spotted online earlier in the week seemed to frustratingly disappear…then by chance a video called “Forgiveness” dared me to press play.
I feel this is also no coincidence, love that we are shown things we need to see…sometimes we really have to look with eyes and heart wide open and dive in.
I immersed myself into the yoga, knowing immediately that this was exactly what I needed…feelings of past pain popped on the familiar cloud, showing whoever I needed to forgive with absolute love in my heart and security…trust…love…a higher support.
I “awoke” from the yoga session (thankfully in an empty home, minus daughter dog who, at 12 years old, was fast asleep as usual). I then sensed I was sobbing. Tears down my unapologetic, contorted face from the release and a beautiful lightness that I have never ever experienced…through the tears came smiles, and the feeling that a lot of years’ worth of pain, guilt, mistrust, and confusion were being finally let go of.
Now
Is it the time of life that in your 50s or life experiences that finally you see past difficulties with a completely different perspective and a newfound freedom of emotion?
These days I have more confidence to say if I don’t agree with someone, I now realise that there is ALWAYS CHOICE, I try to look at someone with compassion even when what they say or do hurts me. Now it is possible to recognise that sometimes the issue is not mine, it is theirs.
Bye bye cloud people 🩵
Letting go is not a one-off gift, it is a perpetual present (see what I did there!). Keep practising and know you are not alone.
Right now in my life I am passionate about learning, learning about relationships, people, wellbeing, creating…I seem to have come out of a few years of frustration with relationships only to realise it’s me who needs to change my mindset and figure out who and what I put my precious energy into…this has lead me to want to learn about my behaviour and others, both in a romantic sense and with my family and my friends…it’s very cool! 👌🏼
What is this feeling of loss when someone leaves this life?
We know, as grown-ups, that death is inevitable, but it still surprises us when it does happen. Loss can spring itself upon us without warning, or we may have to bear witness to a long condition from which we can do nothing but comfort our loved one in their demise.
What can be even more surprising are the emotions we experience when we are aware loss of a loved one is imminent and the emotions when they leave us.
Loss may make us feel like our heart has literally broken in two, or that a limb is missing, or that we are left with a gaping, deep, black hole that we never imagined would disrupt our life.
And how personal is grief? In my experience, how grief grips us depends on differing circumstances.
Grief may cause shock, trauma, denial, anger…an array of intense emotions.
As a teenager, upon being told that his Dad had lost his battle with cancer, my cousin had the most unusual reaction in that he laughed…his brain took the shock as a joke, the reality of his Father dying must have seemed so completely ridiculous that he did not take the news as truth.
Loss might create a feeling of numbness, causing us to feel nothing when we know that we should feel something, which may lead to confusion, guilt or fear that we may not be responding to loss in the “normal” way.
About 20 years ago, the best friend of my then husband suddenly died in a road traffic accident. When the news reached us, I did what felt natural and approached my husband to embrace him for comfort. His response was to hold his arms out in front of him to prevent the embrace and told me that he was “alright”.
In contrast, grief can also bring some life-affirming realisations and gifts on another level that we can only receive upon the death of a loved one, and those gifts can last our lifetime.
Relief
If we have watched a loved one become unwell, eventually we realise we may need to prepare to say goodbye. We might feel the unknown almost unbearable. Is there a chance they may get better and make a revival? Limbo can be tough, painful even, and time may seem to encompass us in a dimension bubble outside of normal life. Everyone and everything else in this life continues around us whilst we must accept patience by watching and waiting on our loved one.
We have no control over time or how the end presents itself. Does our loved one, or their soul, have the knowledge or control?
When the waiting is over, there may be a mighty sense of relief, relief that our loved one is not suffering. Relief that we are no longer in that heart-aching limbo. Though this relief may come and go, as will the grief, inevitably oscillating in the months and years to come.
I feel that relief is self-preservation when we face loss; we need the positive emotions to balance the dark intensity of the reality that our loved one will not open their eyes again and talk or hold us. We need the relief to experience some light in the blackness.
Comfort
There is no control when death has decided to choose a new angel. If we have time to comfort our loved one towards their final days, then I feel this is a true blessing for them and us.
Comfort is needed for those around us too, which we can give to each other without condition or terms, as the normalities and usual conflicts in life no longer have meaning (even if it is only lasting within the limbo bubble).
What if we are comforting everyone else, who comforts us? We all need kind support and someone to say that they understand, it WILL be ok, there is peace, there will be healing. If we feel alone in loss and grief, then that is the time to look inwards to ourselves. There are no rules to state that we aren’t able to be kind to ourselves. We could use warm, comforting words, even wrap our arms around ourselves with gentle awareness and patience. It really is possible to be a friend to ourselves.
We may even find comfort from beyond this time/world/place in which we remain, after our loved ones pass/pass over…whatever we believe in. Some people find comfort from knowing their family and friends who are no longer living, maybe even ancestors, will be holding our hand. We may be guided and supported from another place that we know nothing of yet…exciting! We might wonder if those involuntary thoughts that sometimes bring us courage or knowledge are being gifted to us by a generous soul from another realm. There are so many beliefs, opinions or expectations which will remain a mystery until our time comes.
Support
Followingloss, we have another stage of unpreparedness in dealing with acceptance. It can be overwhelming to face these acceptances. How do we accept that we will never see, hear, talk, touch our loved one ever again?…well, not in this life as we know it anyway…
How do we accept possible resentment that someone has left us…left us with coping without them…left us with all the practical jobs…the finances…the anniversaries…the explanations to those who ask where are they…and how do we accept being alone in the emotional turmoil?
We are left having to support ourselves as well as those around us, this is especially difficult if one has children or someone to look after.
We may be the one who is supporting the directly grieved, who are lost in their sadness and despair. We are the one to offer a hand, shoulder, ear, food, and our love. Though who is supporting us in this hierarchy of grief? We too are affected and deeply sorry for them and for ourselves.
We can journal or blog to put thoughts and emotions in perspective or to just free ourselves from our own minds. We can join social media support groups and meet others in similar circumstances. We can reach out to family who may not be directly affected and friends for strength in support. Being a single parent I sometimes just want someone to listen…no need to find a solution or try to say the right thing, just listen. Or there are some incredible bereavement support groups and organisations that will welcome anyone needing assistance and solace. We should really explore these wonderful offerings, nothing to lose, lots to gain in healing.
These delicate initial stages of grief are usually, and thankfully, short-lived for most of us.
After time, the turmoil and sadness become less dominant…it may feel less scary. It continues to lessen over weeks, months, sometimes years. We may start to allow memories of our loved one to enter our forethought. We may even smile when we hear a song our loved one favoured, remember them dancing…even if it was embarrassing at the time…especially if it was embarrassing at the time. We may begin to wear their favourite colour to remind us that they can still walk alongside us. We may eat their favourite meal with a smile and drink their favourite drink with a “cheers,” to them! Eventually, we may laugh again at the pictures and photos as these can never be replaced.
These are the gifts our loss delivers, we truly immerse ourselves in the things our loved one loved…did we do that when they were alive? Maybe…maybe not!
These are the things that will bring comfort and support for all the time that we have to carry on enjoying this life in their honour.
In December, we lost my incredible 21-year-old niece…Lia will be remembered in a later post dedicated especially to her…then in April, my sons lost their grandfather who they adored…the man known as Dai or John or Father Jones to my generation, the man who once was my father-in-law and remained much loved. I have lost what feels like too many loved ones over what feels like a short life, including my own father…their passing gifts are our memories, beautiful and cherished.
I hope anyone relating to this can find comfort and support in knowing that we are not alone!
Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?
…times I wish I’d taken action, particularly in relationships, however, I would not do anything differently because I would not have learned the lessons I have…everything (including my own reactions and behaviour) has happened to teach me something 💞
It was into adulthood that, by sharing thoughts & feelings through my personal lens, I became aware just how very different people’s perspective could be whilst observing the same subject.
Our perspective can have a completely contrasting picture of each other, on home, on love, on work, on every aspect of life. I find it fascinating how far away our perception of the world can be from each other, apart from upbringing and cultural influences, our differing perspectives is one of those delightful traits that makes us unique.
Sensitivity
Upon sharing our perspective of a subject we are, in fact, simply sharing our opinion I guess, our opinion of something from our view point.
Whilst growing up I used to keep my opinions to myself through lack of confidence and an assumption that I may be told I was either stupid or too sensitive. There were times I felt my sensitivity was a weakness or sad, people seemed to either laugh at me or feel sorry for me. I thought that no one else thought in the same way as me, another assumption that my feelings were wrong or odd. I felt ashamed of my sensitivity.
If only I had realised that comments made about my sensitivity were simply someone else’s opinion from their perspective. If only I knew that this opinion was their thing, not mine. If only I understood then that people were not necessarily voicing their opinion from their perspective to make me feel bad. It was simply words.
Challenge
In my teens I began speaking up when the urge took me, I started to challenge certain opinions. On occasion, I gained courage, sharing my own perspective of the world. I was still quiet and lacked self confidence when speaking up in front of people, however, watch out world if someone said something I didn’t like.
If a conversation came about and I didn’t agree with someone’s perspective, almost out of nowhere, powerful fire would ignite in me and I would present this strong, passionate lioness version of myself (still can!). There was no self-righteous consideration, it was a natural and involuntary reaction.
I could not (and still do not) understand how people could be so judgemental over how someone looked or how they chose to live. People have suggested I am being virtuous but it is actually just a natural trigger that I cannot help and have to challenge. My niece is the same, she is quiet though has no inhibitions in questioning anyone who makes a judgement on someone. Maybe it’s a teen thing, laying down our personality foundation.
The challenger version of me seemed to shock people (still does!). Instead of people celebrating my stoic individualism, it was sometimes met with comments like “calm down” and “don’t be so sensitive”. Maybe it was because I was usually quiet, rarely forced my opinion. Maybe it was my delivery, all those teen hormones can certainly induce passion. Whatever the case, perplexed reactions to the lioness did not prevent me continuing to challenge. What I perceived as wrong was not what the person I challenged felt was wrong. See, it’s all opinion!
Running boy
This is a classic example of perspective, I wonder what you would conclude from this story? Whilst out walking my dog one day, at the back grounds of the Abbey in the town in which I live, a swift figure caught my eye. A tall, slim, young lad was running towards the town as if he was late for a very important date, just like the rabbit in Alice In Wonderland. He wore a rain jacket and his hood was up, even though it was not raining. Tufts of brown hair curled around the hood from the momentum of his fast pace. He then stopped running, looked around him, before taking up a normal walking motion. About 15 steps on he broke into his speedy run again. Then after about half a minute, he stopped and walked. This run/walk repeated at the hill from which he appeared all the way to the High Street.
You may not think this is unusual, neither did I, though it really does catch your attention when someone is running, very fast, in normal clothes (normal, except for the hood-up whatever the weather), he is not jogging.. Is he just hurrying to get somewhere, like the rabbit?
Now, I have seen this lad on several occasions doing exactly the same run/walk/repeat, with almost perfectly timed intervals.
My conclusion is that this is just how the young guy travels, it is brilliant to watch!
I have even found myself muttering to my dog “ooh there goes Running Boy” as the blur of a figure passes the trees beyond and fleetingly I glimpse the distinctive hood-up, that reduces to a sudden walk of determination.
Some may think this is odd behaviour but from my perspective, Running Boy has such a sense of freedom that I enjoy seeing on my dog walks. We have our “norms”, we either walk (or wheelchair) to get where you need to, or run/jog for health reasons. Running Boy seems to be in his own wonderful world of run/walk/repeat without the stereotypical requirements of reasoning, he just does his thing!
Acceptance
When I look back at the years of feeling “too sensitive ”, I have changed my perspective of how I am perceived by others. Truth is, who gives a crap…we are all wrapped up in our own little worlds to overthink people’s standard personality traits.
I am still sensitive, I cry at poignant Christmas adverts, long lost families, or Insta videos of dinky ponies visiting sick, elderly people for therapy (if you see that, I dare you not to sob happy tears! Beautiful!). I am really accepting of my empathetic ways, and realise that people don’t always see it as a weakness, they may get some security talking to someone who shows they care, which I hope I do.
This learned perspective has taught me to encourage my now teenage boys to never be afraid to have their opinion and try to always speak their truth, no matter what others may say.
I no longer feel ashamed of my sensitivity and hope my perspective lens keeps widening and changing as this life of learning twists and turns.
Has your perspective on other people changed recently? Are you aware of how you are perceived or how you perceive others for the better? Complex creatures aren’t we!
I am not sure if my understanding of perspective has changed with experience and age or because of the work I have put in trying to figure out myself, relationships and this life, probably a bit of both.
Some of us may be so caught up in our own minds that we assume other people share our perspective and, therefore, should absolutely understand our way of thinking. I now realise this is so far from reality in my experience, particularly in relationships.
Blankers
I see the same person at the bus stop every Wednesday morning though have never spoken with them…odd that isn’t it?! Well it may be to some of us.
In fact, I have worked in the same office for three years almost and I pass people who I see every week and yet whom have never spoken to me. I have passed familiar faces working for the same business week in week out, offering an upbeat “hello” or “good morning” to receive nothing back. I have heard other colleagues say they have had the same experience and relay the encounter with frustration or disgust, vowing to not speak to the offender again or not help them if they ask for support.
I used to feel the same angst in a lot of situations, not just blankers (that’s not Cockney Rhyming Slang by the way…I refer to people who choose to blank one in the above scenario).
I used to take so much people said, or didn’t say, to me very personally and felt hurt by other peoples actions, still do sometimes, until I digest things. Depending on my mood, morale, and esteem on the day, it can sometimes take a lot for me to muster up the confidence to speak to “strangers” – we are mere humans after all, all these feelings can feel overwhelming!
Twist
Change in perspective: what if the blanker has had awful news recently, or is having a difficult time at home, is painfully shy or autistic, what if your face reminds them of a bully they still have nightmares over, or maybe they just cannot be bothered! Their perspective may be seen through a much more complex lens, the energy may not be enough to reply to an unknown person’s offer of “hello”.
From our perspective the rude-ass behaviour may be offensive and we may take it personally, we may write that person off, we judge that person.
If we knew that person had an underlying issue (and does not share our perspective that it is a good morning to say Hello!), would we be more understanding or less judgemental?
Expectations
In what rule book does it say that because we spoke to someone and they did not respond then that is a wrong? This is our expectation, not the blankers.
I feel this can be true for a lot of perspectives in life. Perspectives we may have adopted from who and how we were brought up, or the culture of the country in which we live.
Maybe if we asked a person why they said (or didn’t say!) or did something in a certain way/ tone/attitude we might understand their perspective.
I have learnt to challenge in a real, gentle way (which is my natural tone) so I can widen the lens and peer through someone else’s telescope from which I am much less offended, more free from the dust and absolutely more resilient in life – joy!
“an innate, typically fixed pattern of behaviour in animals in response to certain stimuli.”
“the homing instinct”. The “homing instinct” is an ability to return home from a great distance.
Animals are born with this incredible (to me) sense. They are not taught the thought or feeling to “return home” as we are through intelligent language, gestures or behavioural patterns.
Human instinct is defined as “the way people naturally react or behave, without having to think or learn …”.
Human instinct seems more varied and less simplistic, though just as incredible (to me). We are are learning as soon as we are formed and never stop, our entire lives. I feel happily exhausted at just the thought, and also really excited all at once. I hear people say they were bored at the weekend or of a quiet evening. I think the last time I felt bored was as a teenager, before I was out ALL of the time! Being a parent now leaves no time for boredom (but many boring chores that I am training my monk mind to embrace ha ha), I get really self indulgent planning a “quiet evening” of doing NOTHING (apart from this new love of blogging or creating art), I love the headspace and time to just be! I admit, I sometimes have little excitement from data inputting in my Admin day job, it is not thrilling and could be classed as, yes, bloody boring!..I divert…back to “instinct”…
We do not learn instinct, we are born with it. Have you ever considered how magical that is?
I love it when you read or hear stories of true human instinct, such as how a neighbour has run into a burning house to save the dog, no thought necessary, just a hugely selfless, brave, dog lover! I watched a video once that showed a traveller jumping instinctively into a fast flood to rescue a sloth clinging desperately to a branch, about to go under or get swept away, he didn’t know the sloth, he didn’t have to care, he didn’t consider consequences, it made my heart swell! I am no athlete but on a couple of occasions I have caught the dog’s ball thrown my way that can only be seen by my peripheral vision, no time to process there is something going to hit me full in the face, my ninja-like smoothness grasping the offending object, and for that split second I AM Superwoman! That is human instinct (I’m not really a ninja or Superwoman, well not on week days!).
On a less dramatic note, my Mum always gives good, sensible and sometimes, contrarily, off-road (that’s the best!) advice. She ends with “go with your instinct” (I am not so gullible to think on occasion this could well be because Mum does not know what advice to give in that moment!). No matter, this advice always feels like the most empowering to me. Instinct can feel like the most simple choice, yet, the most intricate to hone in on.
I personally value human instinct above the angel on my right shoulder gently guiding me to the most logical path, or the devil on my left shoulder cackling for me to be reckless, You Only Live Once (could not bring myself to abbreviate that…must get down with the times some day!)…My instinct feels as if it is a higher level of trust that I should never ignore. Well, if it is good enough for bees, it is good enough for me!
I consider my instinct to be that “knowing” in my soul of which cannot be taught or directed by another human. It can, at times, be distinctively physical, I become aware of the butterflies in my tummy or the warmth (of love or dread) in my heart…at times it takes a lot of quiet and concentration over a significant amount of time. Or, in contrast, I have experienced instant flashes of doubtless epiphanies. Yes, of course…or…not on your nelly!
Either way, trusting your instinct is “returning home” to a safe, settled space, after the journey. With no time to doubt, no matter what the consequence, just a natural reaction out of your angel’s control or your devil’s irresponsible dictatorship. Instinct is natural magic, my magical best friend when needed.
Do you listen to your magical best friend, instinct? Or do you have an amazing story of instinct, natural reactions or instant superhero’s? I would love to hear them.
Thank you for reading my blurb. Until next week…we are not alone…
I believe, like many elements of life, resilience is relative to you (to one), it is very personal. I do not expect you, dear reader, to compare my experiences and definition of resilience with your own. We each experience a lot in life, we will not always endure other peoples challenges…I can only speak from my heart (not anyone else’s).
What does resilience mean to me?
When I was a child experiencing a broken home, I abruptly realised that the family I had once assumed was one, indestructible entity was actually made up of separate individuals who could, inevitably, continue life apart. As a very young teenager I made a pact with myself that the one person I could unmistakably rely upon was myself. This felt rather painful at the time, but now I feel no sadness from that revelation, I feel so fortunate to have been taught the lesson.
Later, when I became a single parent my friends would describe me as brave and strong…I felt neither of these words, I felt only desperation! To be free from the sadness and resentment, I had the realisation that, again, the family entity I craved to recreate (the one I had as a young child) had not worked…it was distant, disjointed and desperately lonely. Though the teen memory of “going it alone” had actually given me the courage to just know it would be ok, I would be ok and so would my Sons…and their Dad – and, guess what, we are all ok!
As a single parent who struggles with the overwhelm of every aspect this path brings, emotional, practical, financial, it can feel scary…but it is only a perception! I have been parenting solo for 14 years, I am rather proud that I have managed to feed and water two handsome humans that now stand way above me…no one has spontaneously combusted because I had to work and dinner wasn’t presented neatly on time as a three course, homemade, master chef extravaganza! I rarely enjoy extra pennies after my wage comes in, but I have never missed a rent payment, utility bill or had my Sons go without decent food. That’s achievement!
Christmas, birthdays and holidays are budgeted…we still enjoy a 3 night glamping experience for my youngest Son’s summer birthday…we sit around a fire pit under the stars, toasting marshmallows and I enjoy the local wine (our glamping site is also a vineyard – heaven!) and the dog can come too! Amazing but I have made it work! There are always those unexpected cheeky devils of extra bills that come out of nowhere and usually loads all at once, how lucky am I to have the credit…it used to petrify me but now I realise that is just life, my life and we are doing ok!
I watched a comedian once on TV who, from Africa, now lives in the UK. He humbly and hilariously described how us Brits would complain about how broke we are…with our 64” plasma screens, designer nails and nights out…we live in luxury compared to other corners of our world! It is so true! Our concept of being broke is relative, we are very lucky!
In the early days I worried to the point of panic when my, now grown up Son, couldn’t sleep from feeling anxious or that I was always saying to my boys, “Mummy doesn’t have time…”. I learned to research a problem, talk to other parents, or create ways to remedy the anxieties and how I could make the time. I stopped the guilt of conflict trying to get EVERYTHING done instead of precious time with the most important humans in my life.
Age and experience have brought about resilience, as I age I become more comfortable with who I am and that nothing happens by accident. Every decision, every challenge is just learning and creating a stronger, wiser version of myself.
So, it is only the THOUGHT that life and it’s challenges are scary and sometimes feels impossible. If we can change our perception and remember no-one has spontaneously combusted (well, I do hope not in your case!), there is no real point fretting over the “what ifs”, we are doing life anyway…you have to put the effort in and sometimes you may not get a whole lot in return, materialistically, the intangible returns are usually the best in my opinion. Just when things feel tough, that is the time to face it full on, that is where strength comes from.
Enjoy the lessons, share the stories, inspire the next generation, teach your resilience! You are never really alone!
Last week I talked about resilience on more than one level…resilience to admit you are at rock bottom (to yourself!!!), resilience to make a decision that effects people close to you and knowing it will hurt them, resilience to follow through the decision, and resilience to work on how, why and the after life of a relationship break up.
Before I made the leg-numbing decision to leave, I talked to my Sister who (in a Big Sister, just sort yourself out pesky little Sister, way) with a shoulder shrug gave the straight talk of “you either accept this is him or you leave!”…harsh but it is true though, isn’t it…could I accept I would be making every decision, every crisis management and what I expected to be gorgeous, precious, quality family time, on my own?!? I asked my Mum her thoughts, she sensibly advised that I stay until the kids are older…now my Mum is a beautiful, strong, sweet lady who is there for you, BUT that one sentence set off bus sized red for danger alarm bells.
My Mum and Dad had a “normal” marriage, we were from a working class, close knit family until my Dad was caught seeking needs elsewhere. Our dream like family unit turned into a destructive, depressing failure for 4 or 5 years into mine and my Sister’s delicate teen years. We have never forgotten the sadness of those years, watching our parents become shells of themselves, not knowing what to do, stay together for the kids – for me, that is a big, fat NO! I am not saying it isn’t right for everyone but from my personal experience, the resentment that was already drowning me, imagining waiting another 10 years, I dread to think the environment my kids would have been brought up in, I was not prepared to have my kids endure an unhappy upbringing, an old pattern nightmare that we had experienced.
To follow through with the decision of ending my marriage I knew there would be emotional and practical consequences, particularly financial that scared the crap out of me, it still does at times, but I am surviving, as are my kids, and very well compared to others in less fortunate cultures and countries.
Following the demise of my marriage, the man I spent 10 years of my life with, seemed a stranger, as I detached myself from that connection (for self preservation).
I turned the connection with the father of my children into a necessary acquaintance, two people working separately (and thankfully amicably) to provide the best care we were/are able to for our equally adored Sons. The amicable bit has not always been easy as I will, no doubt, touch on in a later blurb…
I have worked for many years on trying to rationalise my leaving and what went wrong. I used to believe it was all his doing and I could not let go of the resentment still (it did not go away immediately as I imagined it would).
I now know, after a lot of soul searching (there are those podcasts and books again!) we were absolutely both responsible for the breakdown, not just him because of his shortcomings, not just me because of my expectations and values…it was because we could not align, we did not get each other and we had no idea how to communicate any of the steps we desperately tried before the end (even marriage counselling couldn’t fix us!).
I am to this day very grateful that my kids have two parents that have put their kids wellbeing first. It has not been easy, as I say, but we are doing it! Our eldest Son has just turned 18, our job has been successful so far, we raised a bloody adult, yippee! My ex-hubby and I even text (that’s our favourite communication method ha ha) and agreed to have a family meal in a posh restaurant with our parents, sisters and nieces…the first time we were all together since before the marriage ended 14 years ago…and it was actually very cool! Especially so for our Sons.
So all is not lost, as always, it’s how you navigate these tough life experiences. Acceptance is the first hurdle, then life can flower again once you have the resilience. You are absolutely not alone!
Lady Jay 