Lady Jay

Tag: resilience

  • Forgiveness for life and for living.

    This weekend I promised myself quality time for mindfulness after a couple of difficult past, painful and sad memories came up out of nowhere (or so it seemed…).

    I like to, and have learned to, listen to spontaneous flashes of past events as I believe they, at times, are knocking on my memory door to remind me that I have unfinished work to do. This type of mindfulness work has interested me in the past few years. I used to think if I faced a bad event with awareness and acknowledgement, then meditated on it a bit, then it would magically disappear. Poof!!!

    Letting go

    No poof!!! I could not understand why event memories continued to haunt me later. I have been told by many well-meaning people that I just need to “let go”. Yep, thanks so much…tell me something I didn’t know, the bloody irony! Ok…so I would face it, meditate and imagine letting “it” go, but it would not leave me alone.

    I now realise, like most teachings in life, letting go takes a lot of practice for someone like me. Heart on my heavy, long sleeve! I used to be someone who believed what people said may be the truth, every insult or compliment was how everyone saw me, every opinion should be heard, every suggestion should be explored. It wasn’t as black and white as this picture paints, as I could also be stubborn, open-minded and fearlessly (still am) independent in other circumstances.

    I am fortunate to have dived deeply into and crawled crumbling out of a few hard lessons. Every single lesson has shown me my mirror, time and time again, until I finally got it…I couldn’t just simply let go, I couldn’t learn to let go until I worked like an 18th-century washerwoman, until I learned how…

    Back to now, and the recent painful memories…knowing I had some time completely to myself, I thought I would absorb myself into mindfulness trickery to find out what it is I need to know here…ah! yep, got it…I need to let it go, of course…it’s like washing the dishes, you think you’ve covered all the cutlery, then that last damn spoon is hiding under the bubbles…ooh, hang on then there’s another spoon, cheeky ass spoons! More cleaning up!

    Practice

    What mindfulness trickery should I indulge in, I thought as my working week was coming to an end?

    I don’t think it is any coincidence that as I lift my headphones to my ears on the evening bus from work to home, searching for my next listening treat, that I notice a podcast “short” with Gabor Mate and Mel Robbins…in which Gabor asks Mel about a traumatic memory. Mel had told no one of her experience and kept it to herself, feeling alone and frightened. Gabor asks Mel if that happened to one of your children, how would you explain it…Gabor continued to probe and gave Mel the suggestion that the trauma itself was not just the painful memory, it was the fact she felt that she could not go to her own mother and tell her. It was clearly an emotional revelation, and a very powerful one to her and to me! This resonated with my recent memory.

    Being a parent, you just want to protect your kids, but you also want to think they could come to you with any problem. Having also been a keeper of secrets (quite different to Mel’s trauma), I did not trust that I could go to my parents in the past, so I can empathise with that feeling very well. It taught me to be independent and to take time to trust anyone, if at all, not always healthy.

    I have learnt from my parents and myself to encourage my sons to come to me or their dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend…anyone. As carrying that burden, pain and aloneness just gets in the way of total freedom to let go and get on with life despite the dark demons.

    So, this short online chat by two wonderfully intelligent and open podcasters paved the way to tuning into my haunting memories and practising letting go by the one thing that will make sure you win the war…Forgiveness.

    Forgiveness

    With an unusually hot and sunny summer here in the UK recently and, apart from the dog daughter, I chose to set down my picnic blanket on the cottage lawn – well-dried mud and straw as it has become, as nothing is growing due to our fourth heat wave…I am not complaining as I love the sun and it is the weekend – I sit in the warmth of the summer gorgeousness and meditate. I face the haunting through my meditation, I turn my deep hurt, shame, guilt into compassion for the parties involved, leaving them with a warm hug and them smiling in my mind, off on a cloud to memory heaven.

    The faces I see in my meditation are from the past, the feelings are from the past, the pain stays present until I work on it in this intimately personal way that suits me. After years of confusion and hours of hard emotional work, I can now do this letting go thing…it’s life-changing.

    Next

    My next tender treat of mindfulness was a yoga session by a completely beautiful and incredible online teacher from Texas, Adriene. The comfort yoga session I had spotted online earlier in the week seemed to frustratingly disappear…then by chance a video called “Forgiveness” dared me to press play.

    I feel this is also no coincidence, love that we are shown things we need to see…sometimes we really have to look with eyes and heart wide open and dive in.

    I immersed myself into the yoga, knowing immediately that this was exactly what I needed…feelings of past pain popped on the familiar cloud, showing whoever I needed to forgive with absolute love in my heart and security…trust…love…a higher support.

    I “awoke” from the yoga session (thankfully in an empty home, minus daughter dog who, at 12 years old, was fast asleep as usual). I then sensed I was sobbing. Tears down my unapologetic, contorted face from the release and a beautiful lightness that I have never ever experienced…through the tears came smiles, and the feeling that a lot of years’ worth of pain, guilt, mistrust, and confusion were being finally let go of.

    Now

    Is it the time of life that in your 50s or life experiences that finally you see past difficulties with a completely different perspective and a newfound freedom of emotion?

    These days I have more confidence to say if I don’t agree with someone, I now realise that there is ALWAYS CHOICE, I try to look at someone with compassion even when what they say or do hurts me. Now it is possible to recognise that sometimes the issue is not mine, it is theirs.

    Bye bye cloud people 🩵

    Letting go is not a one-off gift, it is a perpetual present (see what I did there!). Keep practising and know you are not alone.

  • Strategies for health…

    What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?

    …and wellbeing for me changes with my lifestyle, mood and my age.

    Right now at 51, I have just completed something in the UK called Couch to 5k, this is a national and free community app that gets you running (or jogging) from 30 second intervals to 30 minutes straight running over 9 weeks…I’ve really enjoyed it… never thought I’d say that!

    I am also squeezing in a little of my beloved yoga as this settles my mind. I practice mindfulness through meditation, reading and podcasts.

    I eat healthy but I also enjoy treats like cake 🍰 when it’s put in front of me and enjoy scrummy wine 🍷 so it’s all a balance.

    Typing this up may give the perception of a really “on it” person, I simply try to fit in what I can around my beautiful Sons (who are later teens, less dependent), doggy, home keeping and full time work.

    At the end of 2024 I became very lethargic both physically and mentally, my energy for life became worryingly low so I had a word with myself and have stepped up my wellbeing routine to combat feeling sorry for myself 🥰 and it is working 💝

  • Be born…

    Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

    …was the most positive things my Son has done for me.

    I have two teenage Sons, both of whom are equally adored…though this post is dedicated to my eldest, T, as he is facing what half the world seems to be struggling with today, in that life is getting too much.

    So I want to say to T that the most positive thing a family member has done for me is being brave enough to be born into this crazy world and to choose me as your Mumma, I am SO grateful 💝

    T on his 18th Birthday…your life starts here …today…and again tomorrow

  • Reposting this for this fantastic warrior lady, need to stop the obstructive behaviour…if someone (with all their marbles) says they can do something then they can do it! ….here is Disabled Dahling’s post: Ableist Shit That’s Been Said To Me: Education Edition

    Today, I’ve decided to write about, Ableist shit that’s been said to me:Education Edition Slide One: In A Level Drama I was told that I wouldn’t get …

    Ableist Shit That’s Been Said To Me: Education Edition

  • Resilience-part 3

    I believe, like many elements of life, resilience is relative to you (to one), it is very personal. I do not expect you, dear reader, to compare my experiences and definition of resilience with your own. We each experience a lot in life, we will not always endure other peoples challenges…I can only speak from my heart (not anyone else’s).

    What does resilience mean to me?

    When I was a child experiencing a broken home, I abruptly realised that the family I had once assumed was one, indestructible entity was actually made up of separate individuals who could, inevitably, continue life apart. As a very young teenager I made a pact with myself that the one person I could unmistakably rely upon was myself. This felt rather painful at the time, but now I feel no sadness from that revelation, I feel so fortunate to have been taught the lesson.

    Later, when I became a single parent my friends would describe me as brave and strong…I felt neither of these words, I felt only desperation! To be free from the sadness and resentment, I had the realisation that, again, the family entity I craved to recreate (the one I had as a young child) had not worked…it was distant, disjointed and desperately lonely. Though the teen memory of “going it alone” had actually given me the courage to just know it would be ok, I would be ok and so would my Sons…and their Dad – and, guess what, we are all ok!

    As a single parent who struggles with the overwhelm of every aspect this path brings, emotional, practical, financial, it can feel scary…but it is only a perception! I have been parenting solo for 14 years, I am rather proud that I have managed to feed and water two handsome humans that now stand way above me…no one has spontaneously combusted because I had to work and dinner wasn’t presented neatly on time as a three course, homemade, master chef extravaganza! I rarely enjoy extra pennies after my wage comes in, but I have never missed a rent payment, utility bill or had my Sons go without decent food. That’s achievement!

    Christmas, birthdays and holidays are budgeted…we still enjoy a 3 night glamping experience for my youngest Son’s summer birthday…we sit around a fire pit under the stars, toasting marshmallows and I enjoy the local wine (our glamping site is also a vineyard – heaven!) and the dog can come too! Amazing but I have made it work! There are always those unexpected cheeky devils of extra bills that come out of nowhere and usually loads all at once, how lucky am I to have the credit…it used to petrify me but now I realise that is just life, my life and we are doing ok!

    I watched a comedian once on TV who, from Africa, now lives in the UK. He humbly and hilariously described how us Brits would complain about how broke we are…with our 64” plasma screens, designer nails and nights out…we live in luxury compared to other corners of our world! It is so true! Our concept of being broke is relative, we are very lucky!

    In the early days I worried to the point of panic when my, now grown up Son, couldn’t sleep from feeling anxious or that I was always saying to my boys, “Mummy doesn’t have time…”. I learned to research a problem, talk to other parents, or create ways to remedy the anxieties and how I could make the time. I stopped the guilt of conflict trying to get EVERYTHING done instead of precious time with the most important humans in my life.

    Age and experience have brought about resilience, as I age I become more comfortable with who I am and that nothing happens by accident. Every decision, every challenge is just learning and creating a stronger, wiser version of myself.

    So, it is only the THOUGHT that life and it’s challenges are scary and sometimes feels impossible. If we can change our perception and remember no-one has spontaneously combusted (well, I do hope not in your case!), there is no real point fretting over the “what ifs”, we are doing life anyway…you have to put the effort in and sometimes you may not get a whole lot in return, materialistically, the intangible returns are usually the best in my opinion. Just when things feel tough, that is the time to face it full on, that is where strength comes from.

    Enjoy the lessons, share the stories, inspire the next generation, teach your resilience! You are never really alone!

  • Resilience- part 2

    Last week I talked about resilience on more than one level…resilience to admit you are at rock bottom (to yourself!!!), resilience to make a decision that effects people close to you and knowing it will hurt them, resilience to follow through the decision, and resilience to work on how, why and the after life of a relationship break up.

    Before I made the leg-numbing decision to leave, I talked to my Sister who (in a Big Sister, just sort yourself out pesky little Sister, way) with a shoulder shrug gave the straight talk of “you either accept this is him or you leave!”…harsh but it is true though, isn’t it…could I accept I would be making every decision, every crisis management and what I expected to be gorgeous, precious, quality family time, on my own?!? I asked my Mum her thoughts, she sensibly advised that I stay until the kids are older…now my Mum is a beautiful, strong, sweet lady who is there for you, BUT that one sentence set off bus sized red for danger alarm bells.

    My Mum and Dad had a “normal” marriage, we were from a working class, close knit family until my Dad was caught seeking needs elsewhere. Our dream like family unit turned into a destructive, depressing failure for 4 or 5 years into mine and my Sister’s delicate teen years. We have never forgotten the sadness of those years, watching our parents become shells of themselves, not knowing what to do, stay together for the kids – for me, that is a big, fat NO! I am not saying it isn’t right for everyone but from my personal experience, the resentment that was already drowning me, imagining waiting another 10 years, I dread to think the environment my kids would have been brought up in, I was not prepared to have my kids endure an unhappy upbringing, an old pattern nightmare that we had experienced.

    To follow through with the decision of ending my marriage I knew there would be emotional and practical consequences, particularly financial that scared the crap out of me, it still does at times, but I am surviving, as are my kids, and very well compared to others in less fortunate cultures and countries.

    Following the demise of my marriage, the man I spent 10 years of my life with, seemed a stranger, as I detached myself from that connection (for self preservation).

    I turned the connection with the father of my children into a necessary acquaintance, two people working separately (and thankfully amicably) to provide the best care we were/are able to for our equally adored Sons. The amicable bit has not always been easy as I will, no doubt, touch on in a later blurb…

    I have worked for many years on trying to rationalise my leaving and what went wrong. I used to believe it was all his doing and I could not let go of the resentment still (it did not go away immediately as I imagined it would).

    I now know, after a lot of soul searching (there are those podcasts and books again!) we were absolutely both responsible for the breakdown, not just him because of his shortcomings, not just me because of my expectations and values…it was because we could not align, we did not get each other and we had no idea how to communicate any of the steps we desperately tried before the end (even marriage counselling couldn’t fix us!).

    I am to this day very grateful that my kids have two parents that have put their kids wellbeing first. It has not been easy, as I say, but we are doing it! Our eldest Son has just turned 18, our job has been successful so far, we raised a bloody adult, yippee! My ex-hubby and I even text (that’s our favourite communication method ha ha) and agreed to have a family meal in a posh restaurant with our parents, sisters and nieces…the first time we were all together since before the marriage ended 14 years ago…and it was actually very cool! Especially so for our Sons.

    So all is not lost, as always, it’s how you navigate these tough life experiences. Acceptance is the first hurdle, then life can flower again once you have the resilience. You are absolutely not alone!

    Daffodils return year after year

  • Resilience – part 1

    I regularly listen to fantastic podcasts and read books which offer insight and a different perspective on life, particularly when things become challenging. It isn’t until we experience certain challenges ourselves that we understand just how impactful our experiences can be…on us, on our kids, on our families and friends. Sometimes it isn’t until much later after the challenge that we can gain perspective by ourselves, eventually that insight may dawn on us naturally, we can see the reasons why an event happened or at least what the lesson is. Sometimes we can make peace with it, sometimes the pain doesn’t hit until years later, sometimes we need help!

    The podcast and books I indulge in really do help me, though as a “normal” (whatever that is!) working, single Mum I really just want to offer an ordinary persons perspective, even if it reaches just one reader who can relate to the experiences I have had grace my life, which have built emotional resilience and, I hope, empathy (which is flipping difficult when you feel YOU have been wronged!).

    I am 51 years old and have two amazing teenagers, and a smelly, old dog. I ended my marriage 14 years ago because so much resentment had built up I was becoming ill, I had a 4 and 2 year old and I was NOT going to rely on antidepressants to get me through…I could not see another way to end the crippling resentment towards my husband other than to break up our young family. I did everything on my own (or so I felt at the time) so I decided I may as well continue on my own without this resentment. It was the most frightening decision I ever made, it would not only be me bearing the consequences, it was also going to affect my then husband and precious kids…as well as both sides of our families who became mates over the years… shared friends and work colleagues…even the neighbours could be affected. I just knew I had to be a strong, healthy parent before I disappeared into the darkness.

    Deciding to end a relationship is not always the answer, there is a lot I could have done differently, though I know my decision was the right one.

    I have had tough times and struggles (still do) but I know one thing, I can cope, always have and always will. I had to cope then for my children and I have to cope for me. Becoming aware that happiness will only start with yourself is huge, you have to like (even dare we think it…love) yourself first, which I am sure you have heard many times…until you truly allow it, does life become so much clearer and the challenges more easy. However, it is not until the challenge drags you to the bottom of the dungeon that the experience will later be your friend. It is not the struggle itself, it is how you navigate it.

    Listen to fab podcasts, read the inspiring books… this story of mine is to be continued next week…hopefully my future blurbs from my ordinary life perspective may help give you courage to build resilience to save a relationship or know that whatever happens, you will be ok. You are not alone!