What details of your life could you pay more attention to?
…my life that I could pay more attention to?
I reverse the question to say that there are more details in my life to which I could pay LESS attention.
Such as self-criticism, pressure to be perfect, high expectations to do and know everything for me and my family.
I need to pay less attention to the things I am overwhelmed by and more attention to what I do right, what beautiful things in my life brings laughter and the little things that make me smile and feel loved 🌸🌸🌸
This weekend I promised myself quality time for mindfulness after a couple of difficult past, painful and sad memories came up out of nowhere (or so it seemed…).
I like to, and have learned to, listen to spontaneous flashes of past events as I believe they, at times, are knocking on my memory door to remind me that I have unfinished work to do. This type of mindfulness work has interested me in the past few years. I used to think if I faced a bad event with awareness and acknowledgement, then meditated on it a bit, then it would magically disappear. Poof!!!
Letting go
No poof!!! I could not understand why event memories continued to haunt me later. I have been told by many well-meaning people that I just need to “let go”. Yep, thanks so much…tell me something I didn’t know, the bloody irony! Ok…so I would face it, meditate and imagine letting “it” go, but it would not leave me alone.
I now realise, like most teachings in life, letting go takes a lot of practice for someone like me. Heart on my heavy, long sleeve! I used to be someone who believed what people said may be the truth, every insult or compliment was how everyone saw me, every opinion should be heard, every suggestion should be explored. It wasn’t as black and white as this picture paints, as I could also be stubborn, open-minded and fearlessly (still am) independent in other circumstances.
I am fortunate to have dived deeply into and crawled crumbling out of a few hard lessons. Every single lesson has shown me my mirror, time and time again, until I finally got it…I couldn’t just simply let go, I couldn’t learn to let go until I worked like an 18th-century washerwoman, until I learned how…
Back to now, and the recent painful memories…knowing I had some time completely to myself, I thought I would absorb myself into mindfulness trickery to find out what it is I need to know here…ah! yep, got it…I need to let it go, of course…it’s like washing the dishes, you think you’ve covered all the cutlery, then that last damn spoon is hiding under the bubbles…ooh, hang on then there’s another spoon, cheeky ass spoons! More cleaning up!
Practice
What mindfulness trickery should I indulge in, I thought as my working week was coming to an end?
I don’t think it is any coincidence that as I lift my headphones to my ears on the evening bus from work to home, searching for my next listening treat, that I notice a podcast “short” with Gabor Mate and Mel Robbins…in which Gabor asks Mel about a traumatic memory. Mel had told no one of her experience and kept it to herself, feeling alone and frightened. Gabor asks Mel if that happened to one of your children, how would you explain it…Gabor continued to probe and gave Mel the suggestion that the trauma itself was not just the painful memory, it was the fact she felt that she could not go to her own mother and tell her. It was clearly an emotional revelation, and a very powerful one to her and to me! This resonated with my recent memory.
Being a parent, you just want to protect your kids, but you also want to think they could come to you with any problem. Having also been a keeper of secrets (quite different to Mel’s trauma), I did not trust that I could go to my parents in the past, so I can empathise with that feeling very well. It taught me to be independent and to take time to trust anyone, if at all, not always healthy.
I have learnt from my parents and myself to encourage my sons to come to me or their dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend…anyone. As carrying that burden, pain and aloneness just gets in the way of total freedom to let go and get on with life despite the dark demons.
So, this short online chat by two wonderfully intelligent and open podcasters paved the way to tuning into my haunting memories and practising letting go by the one thing that will make sure you win the war…Forgiveness.
Forgiveness
With an unusually hot and sunny summer here in the UK recently and, apart from the dog daughter, I chose to set down my picnic blanket on the cottage lawn – well-dried mud and straw as it has become, as nothing is growing due to our fourth heat wave…I am not complaining as I love the sun and it is the weekend – I sit in the warmth of the summer gorgeousness and meditate. I face the haunting through my meditation, I turn my deep hurt, shame, guilt into compassion for the parties involved, leaving them with a warm hug and them smiling in my mind, off on a cloud to memory heaven.
The faces I see in my meditation are from the past, the feelings are from the past, the pain stays present until I work on it in this intimately personal way that suits me. After years of confusion and hours of hard emotional work, I can now do this letting go thing…it’s life-changing.
Next
My next tender treat of mindfulness was a yoga session by a completely beautiful and incredible online teacher from Texas, Adriene. The comfort yoga session I had spotted online earlier in the week seemed to frustratingly disappear…then by chance a video called “Forgiveness” dared me to press play.
I feel this is also no coincidence, love that we are shown things we need to see…sometimes we really have to look with eyes and heart wide open and dive in.
I immersed myself into the yoga, knowing immediately that this was exactly what I needed…feelings of past pain popped on the familiar cloud, showing whoever I needed to forgive with absolute love in my heart and security…trust…love…a higher support.
I “awoke” from the yoga session (thankfully in an empty home, minus daughter dog who, at 12 years old, was fast asleep as usual). I then sensed I was sobbing. Tears down my unapologetic, contorted face from the release and a beautiful lightness that I have never ever experienced…through the tears came smiles, and the feeling that a lot of years’ worth of pain, guilt, mistrust, and confusion were being finally let go of.
Now
Is it the time of life that in your 50s or life experiences that finally you see past difficulties with a completely different perspective and a newfound freedom of emotion?
These days I have more confidence to say if I don’t agree with someone, I now realise that there is ALWAYS CHOICE, I try to look at someone with compassion even when what they say or do hurts me. Now it is possible to recognise that sometimes the issue is not mine, it is theirs.
Bye bye cloud people 🩵
Letting go is not a one-off gift, it is a perpetual present (see what I did there!). Keep practising and know you are not alone.
What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?
…and wellbeing for me changes with my lifestyle, mood and my age.
Right now at 51, I have just completed something in the UK called Couch to 5k, this is a national and free community app that gets you running (or jogging) from 30 second intervals to 30 minutes straight running over 9 weeks…I’ve really enjoyed it… never thought I’d say that!
I am also squeezing in a little of my beloved yoga as this settles my mind. I practice mindfulness through meditation, reading and podcasts.
I eat healthy but I also enjoy treats like cake 🍰 when it’s put in front of me and enjoy scrummy wine 🍷 so it’s all a balance.
Typing this up may give the perception of a really “on it” person, I simply try to fit in what I can around my beautiful Sons (who are later teens, less dependent), doggy, home keeping and full time work.
At the end of 2024 I became very lethargic both physically and mentally, my energy for life became worryingly low so I had a word with myself and have stepped up my wellbeing routine to combat feeling sorry for myself 🥰 and it is working 💝
Right now in my life I am passionate about learning, learning about relationships, people, wellbeing, creating…I seem to have come out of a few years of frustration with relationships only to realise it’s me who needs to change my mindset and figure out who and what I put my precious energy into…this has lead me to want to learn about my behaviour and others, both in a romantic sense and with my family and my friends…it’s very cool! 👌🏼
…learning…I am very aware that I have become compelled to learn more…I have started this blog as I’m compelled to write…almost like a test delivered to me from a gentle soul pushing me in a direction I am unfamiliar with and yet excited about…who knows why…who knows what will become of this blog…who knows what other treasures I am to learn along the blogging journey…or what jewels I could teach…now that’s a skill on a another mysterious trail…
What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?
…the first thing that came to mind is…CAKE…have all the cake as you deserve it…it is absolutely attainable, if you wish it to be…life is too short to not have all the cake…enjoy 🫶 🍰
…I learned in high school that I am a terrible exam taker, I felt un confident, unmotivated and nonchalant…and today, as a parent of late teenagers, my respect for the education system in the UK has not improved.
I think some teachers are incredible and deserve much more recognition than they get but the system is outdated in my opinion…too much pressure and stress is felt by some students (and teachers).
Should an entire childhood of learning be concluded by 1-2 hour exams?
Should exams define how “good” or “bad” someone’s learning skills are?
Does exam methodology fit every student? Not for me!
There needs to be a change to celebrate what students really know, not just retain information, what is really important to take into adult life or a chosen specialism…
Ooh I gave much more opinion in that answer than expected…thank you for reading if you got this far ☺️
Tulips (not poppy’s thanks Mike!) don’t take exams but seem to know exactly what they’re doing…look to the sun!
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
…I mean meditation!!! (…and maybe the odd glass of wine) is definitely a positive change I have made in my life…started in my late teens giggling and feeling uncomfortable as a teenager with my big Sis…now (over 30 years on) I do not know how I’d cope without my daily practice (as well as the wine 🍷 cheers!) ☺️
I am not sure if my understanding of perspective has changed with experience and age or because of the work I have put in trying to figure out myself, relationships and this life, probably a bit of both.
Some of us may be so caught up in our own minds that we assume other people share our perspective and, therefore, should absolutely understand our way of thinking. I now realise this is so far from reality in my experience, particularly in relationships.
Blankers
I see the same person at the bus stop every Wednesday morning though have never spoken with them…odd that isn’t it?! Well it may be to some of us.
In fact, I have worked in the same office for three years almost and I pass people who I see every week and yet whom have never spoken to me. I have passed familiar faces working for the same business week in week out, offering an upbeat “hello” or “good morning” to receive nothing back. I have heard other colleagues say they have had the same experience and relay the encounter with frustration or disgust, vowing to not speak to the offender again or not help them if they ask for support.
I used to feel the same angst in a lot of situations, not just blankers (that’s not Cockney Rhyming Slang by the way…I refer to people who choose to blank one in the above scenario).
I used to take so much people said, or didn’t say, to me very personally and felt hurt by other peoples actions, still do sometimes, until I digest things. Depending on my mood, morale, and esteem on the day, it can sometimes take a lot for me to muster up the confidence to speak to “strangers” – we are mere humans after all, all these feelings can feel overwhelming!
Twist
Change in perspective: what if the blanker has had awful news recently, or is having a difficult time at home, is painfully shy or autistic, what if your face reminds them of a bully they still have nightmares over, or maybe they just cannot be bothered! Their perspective may be seen through a much more complex lens, the energy may not be enough to reply to an unknown person’s offer of “hello”.
From our perspective the rude-ass behaviour may be offensive and we may take it personally, we may write that person off, we judge that person.
If we knew that person had an underlying issue (and does not share our perspective that it is a good morning to say Hello!), would we be more understanding or less judgemental?
Expectations
In what rule book does it say that because we spoke to someone and they did not respond then that is a wrong? This is our expectation, not the blankers.
I feel this can be true for a lot of perspectives in life. Perspectives we may have adopted from who and how we were brought up, or the culture of the country in which we live.
Maybe if we asked a person why they said (or didn’t say!) or did something in a certain way/ tone/attitude we might understand their perspective.
I have learnt to challenge in a real, gentle way (which is my natural tone) so I can widen the lens and peer through someone else’s telescope from which I am much less offended, more free from the dust and absolutely more resilient in life – joy!
Lady Jay 