I am completely new to blogging and, whatever the outcome, no matter the number of readers I reach, I have decided to commit to “dropping” (that’s my Sons language…attempting to reach all gens!) a blog every week for the next year.
Have to say I am really enjoying this new hobby! Not being the biggest fan of some social media, this platform is refreshing my attitude to it. Not only is it full of lovely creative content, I am aware of the warm, wonderful connections that can be made. I have been fortunate enough to already make a couple of fantastic connections and look very much forward to their blogs, very grateful!
I have recently read the book by Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic, which I tried to read a year ago and turns out I wasn’t ready for it so I picked it up again and LOVED it! Elizabeth pleads the creative reader to stop doubting and just put your work out there…so I’m taking her advice…whatever my work is, I hope it can resonate…let’s see!
I am sure many of you have been blogging for a long time, I ask that anyone reading my blogs excuse any unintended faux pas! I have lots to learn and am eager to do so.
I have a string of subjects lined up in my humble mind that I am excited to share with you, dear readers, some of which will have been written on many times. I do hope I can provide authentic, personal experiences and perspectives from an alternative angle, perhaps.
I am an open person and have a natural attitude of curiosity and honesty. My real wish is to talk about experiences and challenges that may bring readers a sense of normality and maybe even comfort that they are not alone, with a sprinkle of humour. I am also here to learn, like a wide eyed, toddler ready to climb the most steep of bookcases with fearless recklessness! On the other hand, if you find you can relate or receive any positive reassurance that may touch you, please do say hello along the way!
How long have you been blogging? Would love to hear from you!
I believe, like many elements of life, resilience is relative to you (to one), it is very personal. I do not expect you, dear reader, to compare my experiences and definition of resilience with your own. We each experience a lot in life, we will not always endure other peoples challenges…I can only speak from my heart (not anyone else’s).
What does resilience mean to me?
When I was a child experiencing a broken home, I abruptly realised that the family I had once assumed was one, indestructible entity was actually made up of separate individuals who could, inevitably, continue life apart. As a very young teenager I made a pact with myself that the one person I could unmistakably rely upon was myself. This felt rather painful at the time, but now I feel no sadness from that revelation, I feel so fortunate to have been taught the lesson.
Later, when I became a single parent my friends would describe me as brave and strong…I felt neither of these words, I felt only desperation! To be free from the sadness and resentment, I had the realisation that, again, the family entity I craved to recreate (the one I had as a young child) had not worked…it was distant, disjointed and desperately lonely. Though the teen memory of “going it alone” had actually given me the courage to just know it would be ok, I would be ok and so would my Sons…and their Dad – and, guess what, we are all ok!
As a single parent who struggles with the overwhelm of every aspect this path brings, emotional, practical, financial, it can feel scary…but it is only a perception! I have been parenting solo for 14 years, I am rather proud that I have managed to feed and water two handsome humans that now stand way above me…no one has spontaneously combusted because I had to work and dinner wasn’t presented neatly on time as a three course, homemade, master chef extravaganza! I rarely enjoy extra pennies after my wage comes in, but I have never missed a rent payment, utility bill or had my Sons go without decent food. That’s achievement!
Christmas, birthdays and holidays are budgeted…we still enjoy a 3 night glamping experience for my youngest Son’s summer birthday…we sit around a fire pit under the stars, toasting marshmallows and I enjoy the local wine (our glamping site is also a vineyard – heaven!) and the dog can come too! Amazing but I have made it work! There are always those unexpected cheeky devils of extra bills that come out of nowhere and usually loads all at once, how lucky am I to have the credit…it used to petrify me but now I realise that is just life, my life and we are doing ok!
I watched a comedian once on TV who, from Africa, now lives in the UK. He humbly and hilariously described how us Brits would complain about how broke we are…with our 64” plasma screens, designer nails and nights out…we live in luxury compared to other corners of our world! It is so true! Our concept of being broke is relative, we are very lucky!
In the early days I worried to the point of panic when my, now grown up Son, couldn’t sleep from feeling anxious or that I was always saying to my boys, “Mummy doesn’t have time…”. I learned to research a problem, talk to other parents, or create ways to remedy the anxieties and how I could make the time. I stopped the guilt of conflict trying to get EVERYTHING done instead of precious time with the most important humans in my life.
Age and experience have brought about resilience, as I age I become more comfortable with who I am and that nothing happens by accident. Every decision, every challenge is just learning and creating a stronger, wiser version of myself.
So, it is only the THOUGHT that life and it’s challenges are scary and sometimes feels impossible. If we can change our perception and remember no-one has spontaneously combusted (well, I do hope not in your case!), there is no real point fretting over the “what ifs”, we are doing life anyway…you have to put the effort in and sometimes you may not get a whole lot in return, materialistically, the intangible returns are usually the best in my opinion. Just when things feel tough, that is the time to face it full on, that is where strength comes from.
Enjoy the lessons, share the stories, inspire the next generation, teach your resilience! You are never really alone!
Last week I talked about resilience on more than one level…resilience to admit you are at rock bottom (to yourself!!!), resilience to make a decision that effects people close to you and knowing it will hurt them, resilience to follow through the decision, and resilience to work on how, why and the after life of a relationship break up.
Before I made the leg-numbing decision to leave, I talked to my Sister who (in a Big Sister, just sort yourself out pesky little Sister, way) with a shoulder shrug gave the straight talk of “you either accept this is him or you leave!”…harsh but it is true though, isn’t it…could I accept I would be making every decision, every crisis management and what I expected to be gorgeous, precious, quality family time, on my own?!? I asked my Mum her thoughts, she sensibly advised that I stay until the kids are older…now my Mum is a beautiful, strong, sweet lady who is there for you, BUT that one sentence set off bus sized red for danger alarm bells.
My Mum and Dad had a “normal” marriage, we were from a working class, close knit family until my Dad was caught seeking needs elsewhere. Our dream like family unit turned into a destructive, depressing failure for 4 or 5 years into mine and my Sister’s delicate teen years. We have never forgotten the sadness of those years, watching our parents become shells of themselves, not knowing what to do, stay together for the kids – for me, that is a big, fat NO! I am not saying it isn’t right for everyone but from my personal experience, the resentment that was already drowning me, imagining waiting another 10 years, I dread to think the environment my kids would have been brought up in, I was not prepared to have my kids endure an unhappy upbringing, an old pattern nightmare that we had experienced.
To follow through with the decision of ending my marriage I knew there would be emotional and practical consequences, particularly financial that scared the crap out of me, it still does at times, but I am surviving, as are my kids, and very well compared to others in less fortunate cultures and countries.
Following the demise of my marriage, the man I spent 10 years of my life with, seemed a stranger, as I detached myself from that connection (for self preservation).
I turned the connection with the father of my children into a necessary acquaintance, two people working separately (and thankfully amicably) to provide the best care we were/are able to for our equally adored Sons. The amicable bit has not always been easy as I will, no doubt, touch on in a later blurb…
I have worked for many years on trying to rationalise my leaving and what went wrong. I used to believe it was all his doing and I could not let go of the resentment still (it did not go away immediately as I imagined it would).
I now know, after a lot of soul searching (there are those podcasts and books again!) we were absolutely both responsible for the breakdown, not just him because of his shortcomings, not just me because of my expectations and values…it was because we could not align, we did not get each other and we had no idea how to communicate any of the steps we desperately tried before the end (even marriage counselling couldn’t fix us!).
I am to this day very grateful that my kids have two parents that have put their kids wellbeing first. It has not been easy, as I say, but we are doing it! Our eldest Son has just turned 18, our job has been successful so far, we raised a bloody adult, yippee! My ex-hubby and I even text (that’s our favourite communication method ha ha) and agreed to have a family meal in a posh restaurant with our parents, sisters and nieces…the first time we were all together since before the marriage ended 14 years ago…and it was actually very cool! Especially so for our Sons.
So all is not lost, as always, it’s how you navigate these tough life experiences. Acceptance is the first hurdle, then life can flower again once you have the resilience. You are absolutely not alone!
I regularly listen to fantastic podcasts and read books which offer insight and a different perspective on life, particularly when things become challenging. It isn’t until we experience certain challenges ourselves that we understand just how impactful our experiences can be…on us, on our kids, on our families and friends. Sometimes it isn’t until much later after the challenge that we can gain perspective by ourselves, eventually that insight may dawn on us naturally, we can see the reasons why an event happened or at least what the lesson is. Sometimes we can make peace with it, sometimes the pain doesn’t hit until years later, sometimes we need help!
The podcast and books I indulge in really do help me, though as a “normal” (whatever that is!) working, single Mum I really just want to offer an ordinary persons perspective, even if it reaches just one reader who can relate to the experiences I have had grace my life, which have built emotional resilience and, I hope, empathy (which is flipping difficult when you feel YOU have been wronged!).
I am 51 years old and have two amazing teenagers, and a smelly, old dog. I ended my marriage 14 years ago because so much resentment had built up I was becoming ill, I had a 4 and 2 year old and I was NOT going to rely on antidepressants to get me through…I could not see another way to end the crippling resentment towards my husband other than to break up our young family. I did everything on my own (or so I felt at the time) so I decided I may as well continue on my own without this resentment. It was the most frightening decision I ever made, it would not only be me bearing the consequences, it was also going to affect my then husband and precious kids…as well as both sides of our families who became mates over the years… shared friends and work colleagues…even the neighbours could be affected. I just knew I had to be a strong, healthy parent before I disappeared into the darkness.
Deciding to end a relationship is not always the answer, there is a lot I could have done differently, though I know my decision was the right one.
I have had tough times and struggles (still do) but I know one thing, I can cope, always have and always will. I had to cope then for my children and I have to cope for me. Becoming aware that happiness will only start with yourself is huge, you have to like (even dare we think it…love) yourself first, which I am sure you have heard many times…until you truly allow it, does life become so much clearer and the challenges more easy. However, it is not until the challenge drags you to the bottom of the dungeon that the experience will later be your friend. It is not the struggle itself, it is how you navigate it.
Listen to fab podcasts, read the inspiring books… this story of mine is to be continued next week…hopefully my future blurbs from my ordinary life perspective may help give you courage to build resilience to save a relationship or know that whatever happens, you will be ok. You are not alone!
So, it is Valentine’s Day – sending love, of course. ….but for some of us this can be a less “loving” day if you have no one to share it with, spoil you or argue with over who bought the best card or where the roses came from (not the fuel station!)…
This is my very first blog, I am not even sure how this properly looks or even if anyone will read this or if you will find me, I am LadyJay…hope to connect in a simple way about meaningful and simple life stuff…don’t be alone…please say hello!
Lady Jay 