Resilience-part 3

I believe, like many elements of life, resilience is relative to you (to one), it is very personal. I do not expect you, dear reader, to compare my experiences and definition of resilience with your own. We each experience a lot in life, we will not always endure other peoples challenges…I can only speak from my heart (not anyone else’s).

What does resilience mean to me?

When I was a child experiencing a broken home, I abruptly realised that the family I had once assumed was one, indestructible entity was actually made up of separate individuals who could, inevitably, continue life apart. As a very young teenager I made a pact with myself that the one person I could unmistakably rely upon was myself. This felt rather painful at the time, but now I feel no sadness from that revelation, I feel so fortunate to have been taught the lesson.

Later, when I became a single parent my friends would describe me as brave and strong…I felt neither of these words, I felt only desperation! To be free from the sadness and resentment, I had the realisation that, again, the family entity I craved to recreate (the one I had as a young child) had not worked…it was distant, disjointed and desperately lonely. Though the teen memory of “going it alone” had actually given me the courage to just know it would be ok, I would be ok and so would my Sons…and their Dad – and, guess what, we are all ok!

As a single parent who struggles with the overwhelm of every aspect this path brings, emotional, practical, financial, it can feel scary…but it is only a perception! I have been parenting solo for 14 years, I am rather proud that I have managed to feed and water two handsome humans that now stand way above me…no one has spontaneously combusted because I had to work and dinner wasn’t presented neatly on time as a three course, homemade, master chef extravaganza! I rarely enjoy extra pennies after my wage comes in, but I have never missed a rent payment, utility bill or had my Sons go without decent food. That’s achievement!

Christmas, birthdays and holidays are budgeted…we still enjoy a 3 night glamping experience for my youngest Son’s summer birthday…we sit around a fire pit under the stars, toasting marshmallows and I enjoy the local wine (our glamping site is also a vineyard – heaven!) and the dog can come too! Amazing but I have made it work! There are always those unexpected cheeky devils of extra bills that come out of nowhere and usually loads all at once, how lucky am I to have the credit…it used to petrify me but now I realise that is just life, my life and we are doing ok!

I watched a comedian once on TV who, from Africa, now lives in the UK. He humbly and hilariously described how us Brits would complain about how broke we are…with our 64” plasma screens, designer nails and nights out…we live in luxury compared to other corners of our world! It is so true! Our concept of being broke is relative, we are very lucky!

In the early days I worried to the point of panic when my, now grown up Son, couldn’t sleep from feeling anxious or that I was always saying to my boys, “Mummy doesn’t have time…”. I learned to research a problem, talk to other parents, or create ways to remedy the anxieties and how I could make the time. I stopped the guilt of conflict trying to get EVERYTHING done instead of precious time with the most important humans in my life.

Age and experience have brought about resilience, as I age I become more comfortable with who I am and that nothing happens by accident. Every decision, every challenge is just learning and creating a stronger, wiser version of myself.

So, it is only the THOUGHT that life and it’s challenges are scary and sometimes feels impossible. If we can change our perception and remember no-one has spontaneously combusted (well, I do hope not in your case!), there is no real point fretting over the “what ifs”, we are doing life anyway…you have to put the effort in and sometimes you may not get a whole lot in return, materialistically, the intangible returns are usually the best in my opinion. Just when things feel tough, that is the time to face it full on, that is where strength comes from.

Enjoy the lessons, share the stories, inspire the next generation, teach your resilience! You are never really alone!